Complete Marauder Randomness
by Spongyllama
Summary: Marauder Era: The Marauders are young men, and act like young men. In other words, idiots. This fic includes pure humour, and is written purely to make people laugh. Cowritten by tinytokirabbit7. Reviews appreciated.
1. Shut up, Marauders

A/N: I guys! This is pretty silly, so I hope you like that kind of thing. If not..hey, give it a chance! Thanks, I hope you enjoy :)

Disclaimer: Neither I nor my co-writing friend tinytokirabbit7 own Harry Potter and will not pretend to.

**Chapter 1: Shut up, Marauders.**

_*Remus is alone in a corridor, surprisingly the most quiet place he could find in the whole castle. He's sitting, very peacefully. James, Sirius, and Peter are off somewhere...probably being idiots.*_

**Remus**: Ah. Sweet silence.

_*Sirius pops up, like he always must when Remus is enjoying his privacy.*_

**Sirius**: I'm bored.

**Remus**: Of course you are. Go bother Prongs.

_*Sirius plops himself down next to Remus.*_

**Sirius**: Lily.

**Remus**: Peter?

**Sirius**: Cheese.

**Remus**: Snape?

**Sirius**: ...All right. *leaves*

**Remus**: Thank Merlin...

_*A few moments later*_

**Sirius**: SNIIIIVELLUS!

_*A loud commotion is heard, Sirius obviously picking on Snape horribly. A second later –*_

**Snape**: _Sectumsempra_! *Sirius falls, bleeding. Remus goes to check. By the time he gets there, **Snape** has fled the scene.*

**Remus**: Sirius? Oh–

**James**: I just saw Snape run away from here, what – bloody hell, Padfoot. You're a mess!

**Sirius**: *faintly* Worse than Wormy's underpants?

**James**: Worse than his entire underwear drawer on the floor with Snape's hair.

**Sirius**: Bloody hell!

**James**: *trying to carry him to the hospital wing* Dammit Paddy, you're heavy. Moony help me!

**Remus**: The hospital wing is RIGHT there.

**James**: ...Shut up.

*James and Remus drag Sirius into the hospital wing.*

**Madame** **Pomfrey**: Oh my – WHAT HAPPENED?

**Sirius**: Severus Snape used illegal Dark magic on me, expel him!

**Remus**: Maybe if you weren't such a bastard all the time...

**Sirius**: What?

**Remus**: What?

_*A few hours later, the Marauders back in an empty corridor-*_

**Sirius**: What was that earlier about me being a bastard?

**Remus**: Nothing.

**Sirius**: ...You suck.

**Remus**: Bite me.

**Sirius**: You know what? All right. *transforms into Animagus form* Ruff, ruff.

**Remus**: *a little scared at the fact that someone could have seen the transformation* …

**James**: Two can play at that game. *transforms into stag*

**Remus**: …

**Peter**: I want to be more included. *transforms into rat*

**Sirius**: *transforms back* This is no fun if everyone's doing it.

**Remus**: Cough. You're all idiots. Cough.

**Sirius**: Hey – would I be a bad friend if I said sometimes I wanted to eat Peter when he's a rat? I mean, it's instinct, so...

**Remus**: Well I don't know what you think when you're in animal form, but he'd have too many calories.

**Sirius**: Well, I like sugary food. So do you, what with all that chocolate–

**Remus**: Shut up. I meant –

**Sirius**: No, you shut up!

**Remus**: …

**Sirius**: Go on.

**Remus**: ...I meant because he's...him.

**Sirius**: Ah. Well, shut up anyway.

**Remus**: …

**James**: *transforming back* No, you shut up, Sirius.

**Sirius**: Did you just tell me to shut up?

**James**: I did. Shut up.

**Sirius**: No..you shut up!

**James**: I think _you_ should shut up.

**Sirius**: Why don't YOU shut up!

**Remus**: Are we.. are we _really_ doing this?

**Sirius** **and** **James**: SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: I'M telling him to shut up!

**James**: I told him to shut up before you did!

**Sirius**: Shut up!

**James**: Shut up!

**Sirius**: Shut up!

**James**: Shut UP!

**Remus**: Really?

**Sirius**: SHUT UP!

**James**: NO, YOU SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: WHEN WILL YOU SHUT UP?

**James**: NOT UNTIL YOU SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: SHUT UP!

**Sirius** **and** **James**: SHUT. UP.

**Peter**: *back into a human* Shut up!

**Sirius**: Don't you EVER tell me to shut up, Peter!

**James**: So then why don't you shut up so he doesn't have to tell you to shut up!

**Sirius**: I think you should shut up before you start talking about Lily or something!

**James**: I think you should just shut up!

**Sirius**: Well, I think –

**Remus**: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!

**Sirius** **and** **James**: …

**Sirius**: I think James should shut up.

**James**: Shut up.

**Sirius**: Shut up, Prongs.

**McGonagall**: *from the end of the corridor* Boys, I can hear you from the third floor. Be quiet.

**Remus**: That's a nicer way to say it...

**Sirius**: Well, at least she didn't tell you to shut up, like you should.

**James**: Merlin, shut up!

**Sirius**: No.

**James**: Shut – what?

**Remus**: _SILENCIO!_

**Sirius** **and** **James**: …

**Remus**: Nice...very nice...

**Sirius** **and** **James**: *glaring at each other and mouthing silently "I think you should shut up."*

A/N: Yes? No? Review.


	2. I said, 'Detention'

A/N: I really think the fic gets better in the upcoming chapters, so stick with it, yeah?

**Chapter 2: I said, 'Detention.'**

**Recap**: Sirius and James, acting like the idiots they are, had a shut up fight, causing Remus to get annoyed and _silencio_ them.

_*The next morning...as Remus is in bed, James and Sirius do a silly Muggle prank of leaving a bucket of water to drop on the first person who enters or exits the dorm. However, this bucket of water is muddy and filled with...no one really wants to know what. Remus shuffles towards the bathroom, does whatever he does every morning, and comes out, a little more awake. Ignoring James and Sirius, who are sitting and looking as if they are waiting for something, he goes to the door and opens it. As expected, a bucket of water falls and he is now covered with the contents.*_

**Remus**: AAARRGH– GUYS, REALLY? OH MY –

**Sirius** **and** **James**: You silencioed us.

**Remus**: AND THIS – THIS IS WHAT YOU DO?

**Sirius** **and** **James**: *shrug and smile half-innocently*

**Remus**: UGH! JUST...HELL, I'M A PREFECT, DETENTION FOR BOTH OF YOU! *goes to the bathroom to wash up..again.*

…

**Sirius**: Well, I think that was a bit of an overreaction. Definitely.

…

**James**: You know what?

**Sirius**: Mm?

**James**: I can give detentions too.

**Sirius**: ...Well, now. You being Head Boy _does_ have advantages, it would seem.

**Remus**: *comes out* I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER PRANK PLANNED, GO GET RID OF IT OR..CANCEL IT OR..TAKE BACK YOUR BRIBING MONEY!

**Sirius**: No prank, I'm afraid. But we do have the great power of detentions!

**Remus**: *distracted* What?

**James**: Detention, Moony.

**Remus**: WHAT?

**James**: The Head Boy does not like being silencioed.

**Remus**: Well – detention for giving me a detention!

**James**: Detention.

**Remus**: Detention!

**James**: Detention!

**Sirius**: DETENTION!

**All**: …

**Remus**: Why the hell are you giving me detentions when I didn't DO ANYTHING? WHEN IT WAS ALL YOU?

**James**: Detention for questioning my detention-giving abilities.

**Remus**: Detention for being an asshole!

**James**: Detention for bad language!

**Remus**: DETENTION!

**James**: Detention.

**Remus**: DETEN–

**James**: Detention.

**Sirius**: Detention...

**Remus**: Shut up, Sirius.

**Sirius**: No you shut up!

**James**: No you –

**Remus**: DETENTION!

–

_*By later, the Marauders have not brought up what happened earlier again for fear of losing the argument, getting silencioed, or having a migraine. Any conversation is completely different and potentially random.*_

**Sirius**: Hehe.

**James**: What?

**Sirius**: I just had a mental image of Moony as an old guy.

**Remus**: What do I look like...?

**Sirius**: Sexy.

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: You'll always be sexy to me.

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: Sexy in a good way.

**James**: What the hell is sexy in a bad way, then?

**Sirius**: Um...my cousin, Narcissa.

...

**James**: Nice.

**Remus**: Isn't thinking of her that way kind of sick?

**Sirius**: Not as sick as that dream you had about cousin 'Dromeda –

**Remus**: SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: There's no shame in it! Why even I-

**Remus**: BLOODY HELL NO, JUST SHUT UP!

**James**: You know that never works.

**Sirius**: Well, I'm sorry Moony, but I've got to help you become more comfortable with this inner part of yourself, so _SONORUS_!

**Remus**: NOO! _SILEN_–

**Sirius**: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TELL EVERYONE IN HOGWARTS THAT REMUS LUPIN HAS HAD A CERTAIN DREAM ABOUT A CERTAIN–

**Remus**: _SILENCIO_!

**Sirius**: ...!

**Remus**: I'm sorry everyone, Sirius just drank some mead from the kitchens, he just has to sleep it off! Heheheh...*pushes Sirius into dormitory*

**James**: I would like to announce that I love Lily Evans and eventually, we'll be marr–

**Remus**: You too. Shut up. _Quietus._

**James**: Fine.

**All** **of** **Hogwarts**: ...Okay?

*a few minutes later*

**McGonagall**: _Sonorus_. This is a notification to Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin – you all hereby have detention for disrupting the entire school by doing one of the following: Trying to reveal a friend's obvious secret, having dreams about someone that none of us exactly want to know the identity of because it would surely be very awkward, proclaiming everlasting love when everyone in the school hears it every day and is getting sick of it, and silencioing. Thank you, the Hogwarts staff apologizes for disrupting any studying.


	3. Fangirls!

A/N: Technically Andromeda shouldn't be here, since the boys are well after first year and that's the only year they would have been in the castle at the same time as her. You can all overlook that, however. Cool. So, introducing starting this chapter: Andromeda, Lily, Lily's friends Mary and Melanie, and the fangirls. Lots of fangirls. And this is probably where it becomes more of a parody.

**Chapter 3: F-Fangirls!**

**Recap**: Remus, having had a certain dream about a dear woman named Andromeda Black, feels rather uncomfortable when Sirius publicizes it.

*The next morning, in the Great Hall*

**Andromeda**: Hey, guys.

**Remus**: AAAAHHH!

**Andromeda**: Oh sorry, I – *reaches out to put a comforting hand on Remus' shoulder*

**Remus**: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

**Lily**: That's kind.

**Sirius**: Whoa, when did you start sitting with us?

**Lily**: Because I love – just because.

**Remus**: *shaking violently*

**Andromeda**: ?

**Sirius**: I know something you don't, cousin!

**Remus**: *smacks Sirius upside the head*

**Sirius**: Ouch.

**Andromeda**: ?

**Remus**: Just ignore him.

**Andromeda**: Okay...

**Sirius**: *recovers* NO! REMUS –

**Remus**: _Silencio!_

**Sirius**: …!

**Andromeda**: What was that?

**Remus**: He means he tried to steal one of your bras to put in my trunk and freak me out.

Andromeda: *slaps Remus*

**Remus**: OUCH!

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: REMUS!

**Remus**: Why is it that whenever _you're_ supposed to get in trouble, _I__'m _the one who gets hit?

**Sirius**: *silent teehee*

**Lily**: *lifts Sirius' _silencio_*

**Sirius**: What the bloody hell was that for? I mean uh, thank you Lily.

**Lily**: Because you have a special place in my heart, Sirius Black.

**Sirius**: Really?

**Lily**: No.

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: Remmy, honey, are you okay?

**Remus**: Yes, girls, I'm all right.

**Peter**: I'm hungry.

**Sirius**: That's what all this food is for, Peter.

**Peter**: *thinking aloud* Why is Andromeda still here?

**Andromeda**: How rude! *slaps Remus*

**Remus**: WHAT DID I DO?

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: REMMY!

**Sirius**: You know what you did.

**Remus**: More specifically, you know what _you_ did that _I_ got blamed for.

**Sirius**: Yep!

**Andromeda**: What am I still doing here? *starts walking away*

**Remus**: *spontaneous* ANDROMEDA! SIRIUS THINKS YOU'RE SEXY!

**Andromeda**: *runs back and slaps Sirius* PERVERT COUSIN!

**Sirius**: Ouch! I did not say that. I said your sister was.

**Andromeda**: *slap again*

**Sirius**: I meant Narcissa!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: SIRI!

**Sirius**: I'm okay, girls. 'Dromeda just denies the fact that Cissy is better looking. In fact, if Narcissa and I weren't related –

**Andromeda**: *slaps Sirius again* SHUT UP OR I WILL –

**Sirius**: Do what? *innocent gaze*

**Andromeda**: GIVE OUT COPIES OF YOUR GIRL BOOK!

**Sirius**: How do you even know about... I mean NO!

**Andromeda**: Then SHUT UP! *stomps away*

**Sirius**: No, you shut up...

**Lily**: What's the girl book?

**Sirius**: Oh, nothing... *mumbles, clears throat, then proceeds to slap Peter*

**Remus**: What was that for?

**Sirius**: He hasn't gotten slapped by some sexy woman yet – *Lily slaps him* Come on, Lily!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: NO, SIRI!

**Lily**: Don't call me sexy. I get enough of that from him.

**James**: Love you too.

**James**' **Fangirls**: *strangled-sounding* No...

**Sirius**: *slaps Peter again*

**Peter**: Was that a fly?

**Sirius**: I slapped you.

**Peter**: Oh. 'Kay.

**Sirius**: *throws cheese* Fetch!

**Peter**: THAT'S A WASTE OF FOOD! *dives for it*

**Lily**: *slaps James* Quit saying that! It's getting annoying!

**James**: Yes, my love.

**Lily**: *slaps again*

**James**: *loving sigh*...

**Lily**: ?

**James**: It's still physical contact.

**Lily**: *hits with book and runs away*

**Remus**: You're an idiot.

**James**: She seems to think so.

**Sirius**: You're getting a red mark.

**Remus**: I think we all have one by now...

**Sirius**: Peter has like five from hitting his head – oh six – to try to get that cheese. Merlin, this is hilarious.

**Remus**: *sigh* _Accio_–

**Sirius**: NO! THOU SHANT RUINETH MY FUN!

**Remus**: ...

**James**: I thought you'd be more worried about the red mark..

**Sirius**: Why? It only shows how in-demand I am.

**Remus**: _A__cci_-

**Sirius**: NO! *steals wand and runs for life*

**Remus**: SIRIUS BLACK! YOU GIVE THAT WAND BACK RIGHT NOW!

**Sirius**: NO. *runs faster*

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: Siri! *gives chase*

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: WE'LL HELP YOU, REMMY! *joins chase*

**Lily**: This becoming very entertaining...

**Mary**: Yes...

**Andromeda**: Quite...

**Melanie**: Certainly...

**James**: Indeed it is, because I believe it's just me now, with all you ladies.

**Lily**: Get lost, Potter.

**James**: I'm already lost in your eyes.

**Lily**+**Andromeda**+**Melanie**+**Mary**: GAG.

**Lily**: He's probably been researching cheesy pickup lines..

**Andromeda**: No, he gets them from that pervert cousin of mine..

**Lily**: *slap*

**James**: I can tell that one was a slap of love.

**Lily**: Shut up before I summon your fangirls.

**James**: Fair enough.

**Mary**+**Andromeda**+**Melanie**: Um, too late.

**James**: ...If you value your lives, RUN.

*somewhere else*

**Remus**: SIRIUS, CAN I AT LEAST HAVE THE WAND TO FIGHT OF THESE FANGIRLS?

**Sirius**: WHERE ARE YOU? REMUS? REMUS! SAVE ME! AAAAAAAHH– Hey, ladies.

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: *sighing* Hiii, Sirius.

**Sirius**: *almost babying voice* You won't let mean old Remmy get his wand back to rearrange my face will you?

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: Never! We could never betray you!

**Remus**: *bursts in* AHA! GIVE ME MY WAND BACK!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: NEVER!

**Remus**: OK! Fangirls, ATTACK!

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: FOR REMMY!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: FOR SIRI!

*massive catfight*

**Remus**: All right, where's my wand?

**Sirius**: Hahahah, I'll never tell.

**Remus**: *sigh* Have it your way. *grabs from Sirius' hand*

**Sirius**: HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS IN SUCH A NOT OBVIOUS PLACE?

**Remus**: Never mind how, point is, I HAVE IT!

**Sirius**: NOOOOO!

*back in the Great Hall*

*Lily, Mary, and Melanie running for their lives from James' fangirls*

**Lily**: Damn those fangirls!

**Mary**: I know, can't they tell you two belong together?

**Lily**: Don't make me trip you.

**Melanie**: Less talk, more speed!

**James**: *sitting with head on table* Love hurts.

**Lily**: Why are they chasing us and not him?

**Mary**: I think they're really chasing you, and we're tagging along.

**Lily**: WHY MUST THEY HATE ME SO?

**Melanie**: You know why.

**Lily**: NO! I don't like him, I'm not with him, so WHY would they have a reason to hunt me down – *trips* NOOO –

**Mary**+**Melanie**: LILY!

**Lily**: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY FINAL WORDS – TELL... POTTER.. I... LOVE HIM...

**Mary**+**Melanie**: WHAT?

**Lily**: *dies*

**Mary**+**Melanie**: You're not really dead, the fangirls passed. But now we have proof of your love.

**Lily**: *straightens up* I was delusional and being trampled. I wasn't talking sense. *blush*

**Mary**+**Melanie**: Yeah, right.

*meanwhile*

**Remus**: STAND BACK GIRLS, I DO NOT WISH TO HURT YOU.

**Sirius**: DON'T EVEN THREATEN MY FANGIRLS, THEY'RE SO MUCH HOTTER THAN YOURS!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: AAWWW *swoon*

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: HOW DARE YOU! REMMY, DO SOMETHING!

**Remus**: DON'T WORRY GIRLS, HE'S FINALLY GOING TO MEET HIS MATCH!

**Sirius**: YOU WOULDN'T DARE! YOU KNOW MY NUMBER OF FANGIRLS VASTLY OUTNUMBERS YOURS!

**Remus**: DOESN'T MEAN YOURS WILL WIN!

**Sirius**: WHERE ARE PRONGS' FANGIRLS, I NEED THEM ON MY SIDE!

**Remus**: IT IS SO MUCH MORE OBVIOUS THAT THEY LIKE ME SECOND BEST!

*James Fangirls run in*

**James**' **Fangirls**: WHERE'S JAMESIE!

**Remus**+**Sirius**: OH GIRLS~...

*hallway*

**Mary**+**Melanie**: *heheh* LILY LOVES POTTER! LILY LOVES POTTER!

**Lily**: STOP!

**Mary**+**Melanie**: *run, still singing*

**Lily**: STOOOPPP! *chases*

**James**: *peaking around corner* A lot of chasing going on today...

*James' fangirls notice and approach – James notices and escapes*

*meanwhile*

**Sirius**: Oh, hello, girls.

**James**' **Fangirls**: WHERE'S JAMESIE?

**Remus**: Will you join a side for us?

**James**' **Fangirls**: Will you tell us where Jamesie and/or that skank Lily is?

**Sirius**+**Remus**: Well we don't know where they are...

**James**' **Fangirls**: Then DON'T CARE! *run off to find James/Lily*

...

**Sirius**: Well mine still outnumber yours.

**Remus**: Well mine have more magical skill than yours.

**Sirius**: And are totally less hot.

**Remus**: Are not.

**Sirius**: Are too.

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: Are not!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: ARE TOO!

**Sirius**: Girls, if we have a massive catfight right in this corridor, you won't let me down, will you?

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: OF COURSE NOT, MY DARLING!

**Remus**: Well... girls, I know you can fight better than them, yes?

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!

**Sirius**+**Remus**: THEN ON THE COUNT OF THREE...

**Sirius**: One...

**Remus**: Tt –

**Sirius**: GO!

**Remus**: What? Sirius!

**Sirius**: RUN REMUS, RUN!

**Remus**: More like step off to the side, but all right. *massive catfight begins*

*five minutes later*

**Sirius**: This is getting nasty.

**Remus**: Maybe we should –

**Sirius**: Remus, Remus, Remus... when will you learn? Never interfere if girls are scratching and clawing and...

**James**: *coming in* Are my fangirls here? Please say no.

**Sirius**: No, they went off looking for you or Lily, who they called a skank.

**James**: Bloody little... all right, well – what the bloody hell is going on?

**Remus**: Our fangirls are fighting –

**Sirius**: TO THE DEATH.

**Remus**: ...Our fangirls are fighting over who's better, me or him.

**Sirius**: We tried to get yours on our sides, but they were to desperate to find you.

**James**: Well I guess they won't come back then...

**Sirius**: That's so weird, though, usually they're good trackers.

**James**: Actually, they were chasing Lily, not me. Well, and Mary and Melanie.

**Remus**: Explains the "skank" part...

*meanwhile*

**Lily**: *HEX HEX HEX*

**Lily**: *in between hexes* So many fangirls..so persistent...

**Mary**: Well if someone was trying to steal James from _you..._

**Lily**: SHUT UP!

**Melanie**: Its not good to be in denial, Lily.

**Lily**: SHUT UP OR I'LL HEX YOU BOTH

**Mary**: That's impossible, there are too many fangirls..

**Lily**: How'd they even find us?

**Melanie**: They have spies _everywhere__._

**Lily**: HOW ARE THERE THIS MANY THOUGH? DOES HOGWARTS EVEN HAVE THIS MANY PEOPLE?

**Melanie**: They might have called from already graduated fangirls.

**Lily**: WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?

**Melanie**: Because they're not attacking us?

**Mary**: And it's fun to watch you get almost mauled by fangirls. If only we had Sirius' or Remus' to make this even more hilarious.

**James**' **Fangirls**: TELL IS WHERE JAMESIE IS AND WE'LL STOP!

**Lily**: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, HE WENT THAT WAY!

**James**' Fangirls: GIRLS, LET'S GO! RETREAT!

*a few minutes later in another part of the castle*

**Sirius**: They just keep coming.

**Remus**: Sort of freaky...

**Sirius**: But mine still outnumber yours, woohoo!

*distant rumble*

**James**: W–what was that?

**Sirius**: It almost...

**Remus**: Sounded like...

...

**Sirius**+**Remus**+**James**: MORE FANGIRLS!

**Sirius**: GIRLS JOIN OUR SIDE!

**Remus**: NO, MINE IS BETTER, YOU'D BENEFIT MORE!

**James**' **Fangirls**: JAMESIIIEEEEE–

**James**: AAAHHH!

*fangirl stampede/avalanche*

**James**: *gasp* HELP- *gasp* ME! *hand sinks under mountain of fangirls*

**Remus**: We should probably help him.

**Sirius**: Nah, he'll be fine. *resumes watching battle*

**Remus**: Although I daresay it is an even match.

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: HISS!

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: RAWR!

**James**' **Fangirls**: SWOON! SQUEE!

**Sirius**: COME ON GIRLS!

**Remus**: YOU CAN DO IT GIRLS!

**James**: GIRLS, NO! STOP! I'M ONLY ONE PERSON! AAH!

**Sirius**: WHAT IS THIS PRONGS' FANGIRLS ARE DOING NOW? SOME OF THEM ARE RETREATING! OH NO WAIT THEY'RE –

**Remus**: NO!

**Sirius**: THEY'RE JOINING MY SIDE! AHAHAHA!

**James**: ...What just happened?...

**Sirius**: SIRIFANGIRLS AND JAMESIEFANGIRLS, GO! GO, GO, GO! GOOOO!

**Remus**: NO! NO, NO, NO! NOOOO!

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: AAAAAHHH! GIRLS! RETREAT!

**Sirius**: HAHAHAHA! WE HAVE WON THIS ROUND! GOOD JOB LADIES! YOU DO DESERVE ME!

**Sirius**' **Fangirls**: YES! SIIIRRIII! *jump on Sirius*

**James**: *edging away from scene so as not to let fangirls see*

**Remus**' **Fangirls**: REMMY... FORGIVE US... FORGIVE UUUSSSS...

**Remus**: YOU DID A NOBLE JOB, GIRLS, I DO FORGIVE YOU!

**James**' **Fangirls**: AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

**James**: AAHHH!

**James**: *runs into boys bathroom* Oh, thank Merlin...

**James**' **Fangirls**: NOOO! *start banging on door*

**James**: *swears to self*

**Misc**. **boys** **in** **bathroom**: Lucky bastard...

**James**' **Fangirls**: He hasn't come out! *bang on door harder* JAMSEIIIIE!

**James**: SORRY GIRLS, YOU CANT COME IN IT'S THE **_BOYS_** BATHROOM!

**James**' **Fangirls**: PLEASE COME OUT!

**James**: *searching for alternative exit*

**Misc**. **boys**: *watch enviously*

**James**' **Fangirls**: JAAAMESIIIIIIIIE!

**James**: *searches harder*

**James**' **Fangirls**: FINE! WE'LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!

**Misc**. **boys**: ...

**James**: Dammit...

**Lily**: My God, they're monsters.

**Remus**: Watch it, they'll – DOWN FANGIRLS – hear you.

**Sirius**: HAHA! HOW I LOVE YOU FANGIRLS!

**James**: SOMEONE SAVE ME!

**All** **Fangirls**: SQUEEEEE!

*McGonagall comes up*

**McGonagall**: What has been going on? I've heard girls screaming hysterically for the last half hour!

**Remus**: It's the fangirls.

**McGonagall**: You three have THIS many fans?

**Sirius**: Great, isn't it?

**McGonagall**: And one of you isn't going to help Potter?

**Lily**: Who says he needs helping? Let those fangirls get him. I totally don't care. I definitely came here to watch him get stampeded.

**Sirius**: *cough* Denial. *cough*

**McGonagall**: GIRLS, get away from the bathroom, there are other boys in there.

**Fangirls**: WE MUST SEE OUR JAMESIE!

**McGonagall**: ANY FANGIRL STILL WITHIN MY SIGHT ATFER I COUNT TO TEN WILL HAVE THEIR SCHEDULES AND SEATS CHANGED SO THEY ARE ALWAYS WITH PETTIGREW!

**Peter**: Aw..

**Fangirls**: *scatter*

**James**: *comes out* Oh Merlin...Oh Merlin...

**Sirius**: Ah, how I love the fangirls.

**Remus**: That makes one of us.

* * *

A/N: So, reviewing sounds lovely. Doesn't reviewing sound lovely?


	4. You thought THAT was a fight

A/N: This one's a _bit_ long... I have a lot of run rereading this and it was definitely fun writing it, so I'd be great if you could review and tell me what you think.

**Chapter 4: You thought THAT was a fight...**

It all generally started with another one of James' famous pickup lines, directed, of course, at Lily.

**James**: Wow, is that an angel over there? Must be, because I'm blinded from the beauty.

Lily looked at him.

**Lily**: Unfortunately, I can't say the same.

**James**: Ouch.

**Sirius**: Quit denying it, Lily.

**Lily**: I am not denying it, Potter's hotness has been decreased by his big head.

**Sirius**: Sorry, mate.

**James**: *sigh* I'm used to it by now.

**Sirius**: Think you might still have a chance?

**James**: If I do, it's smaller than Peter's brain.

**Sirius**: You better work hard then, mate.

**James**: *sigh* I know.

Remus interrupted.

**Remus**: Peter's brain is actually the size of a normal one.

**Sirius** **and** **James**: No it isn't.

**Remus**: Yeah it–

**Sirius** **and** **James**: NO!

**Remus**: Oh my Merlin, you stupid idiots – saying Peter's brain is bigger is in this case saying James' chance of getting Lily is bigger too.

**James**: Yay!

**Sirius**: NO! HE CAN NOT PROVE US WRONG! TO THE LIBRARY!

**Lily**: He knows what a library is?

**Sirius**: Silly Lily, of course I do. But... Hey Remus, where's the library?

**Remus**: Go find it.

**Sirius**: Prongs where's the library?

**James**: I dunno...

**Sirius**: Lily where's the –

**Lily**: *storms out before Sirius can finish*

**Remus**: Hint: It's that place with all the books in it...

**Sirius**: So it's your trunk?

**Remus**: NO! STAY OUT OF MY TRUNK!

*Sirius and James exchange glances*

**Remus**: No... no! DONT!

*Sirius and James run up the dormitory stairs*

*rummaging through Remus' trunk begins*

**Remus**: Damn it guys...

**James**: WHAT IS THIS MOONY?

**Sirius**: Is that a pink fuzzy scarf? I knew you had it in you!

**Remus**: I don't have a pink fuzzy scarf!

**Sirius**: Then what is this, silly?

**James**: Ooh, and a soft blue one too.

**Remus**: You – are you transfiguring my stuff?

**James**: What? No! *transfigures book into kitten*

**Remus**: There is no way I have a kitten in my trunk.

**Sirius**: Then how do you explain THIS? *holds up kitten*

**Remus**: Isn't that a title tattooed on that cat's head?

**Sirius**: NO! *fixes it* There!

**Remus**: I'm allergic to cats.

**James**: No you aren't!

**Remus**: *gives self a stinging hex to face* Yeah, see? My face is all swollen and my eyes are watery!

**James**: Hah, you look like Peter!

**Sirius**: MERLIN, HE DOES!

**Peter**: ...HEHE! HE DOES LOOK LIKE ME! BUT I WANT TO BE INCLUDED MORE! HERE I CAN GIVE MYSELF A STINGING HEX TOO! *stinging hex*

*Peter gets blown off his feet and hits the wall, unconscious*

**Remus**: I can't imagine why he keeps doing that.

**James**: Why does Remus have a photograph of Mary?

**Remus**: I do not!

**James**: Looks like it.

**Remus**: Stop transfiguring my stuff!

**Sirius**: You really want me to turn this poor, innocent kitten back into a book?

**Remus**: So you admit it's really a book!

**James**: This is a kitten, Remus, not a book.

**Sirius**: I was speaking hypothetically, meaning "if the cat HAD BEEN a book in a past life"

**Remus**: Books can't die so they cant have a next life!

**James**: _Incendio!_ There, this book is dead.

**Sirius**: Dying.

**James**: It will be dead, though.

**Remus**: IS THAT MY POTIONS TEXT BOOK?

**James**: No, it was, uh... Astronomy.

**Remus**: I hate both of you!

**Sirius**: You just keep telling yourself that, Moony.

**James**: Yep; deep down, you love us like brothers.

**Remus**: NOT ANYMORE!

**Sirius**: Tsk, tsk, still in denial.

**James**: So sad...

**Remus**: I am not in denial.

**Sirius** **and** **James**: Yes you are.

**Sirius**: More than Lily.

**Remus**: That's ridiculous. No one is in more denial than Lily.

**James**: Now... _Incendio._

**Sirius**: THAT was your potions textbook.

**James**: Are you out of denial yet?

**Remus**: SETTING MY STUFF ON FIRE WILL NOT BRING ME OUT OF DENIAL!

**Sirius**: At least he's no longer denying that he's in denial.

**Remus**: I'm not in denial!

**James**: You're in double denial since you're denying you're in denial.

**Remus**: Stop setting my stuff on fire and I'll come out of the denial I'm not in!

**Sirius**: Remus, Remus, Remus.. you can't come out of denial if you're not in it.

**Remus**: I thought you thought I was in denial, though!

**James**: Yep, you're in denial.

**Remus**: But how can I come out of it if you keep denying that I'm not in denial?

**Sirius**: I'm denying something? CRAP I'M IN DENIAL TOO! PRONGS, SET MORE THINGS ON FIRE!

**James**: _Incendio!_

**Sirius**: NO! NOT THOSE!

**James**: _Aguamenti?_

**Sirius**: Aah, you're still mean.

**James**: You like it so much, what don't you marry it.

**Sirius**: YEAH, well you like Lily so much, why don't you marry THAT!

**James**: Okay. I will.

**Sirius**: LILY, JAMES WANTS TO MARRY YOU!

**Remus**: Lily's not even in here. We're in the dorm, remember? That's why there's that TRUNK THAT YOU KEEP SETTING THE CONTENTS OF ON FIRE!

**James**: _Reparo_. There.

**Sirius**: IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME!

**James**: What? You have things in there you've been meaning to fix for ages...

**Sirius**: But you burned all the books! I need those!

**Remus**: You're contradicting yourself! Why do you suddenly care that that textbook is on fire when you didn't care that the other textbook was turned into a kitten?

**James**: Because the kitten wasn't a textbook. It'd been in your trunk all along, but you're in denial, so you wouldn't know that.

**Remus**: … Anyway, you never study nor carry them around, you just end up having to share with us...

**Sirius**: Did it ever occur to you that unlike you, I might not have just SCHOOLBOOKS?

**James**: Do I really want to know why?

**Remus**: This isn't even your trunk, why are you so concerned?

**James**: Yeah, you slept through Transfiguration yesterday.

**Sirius**: Minnie loves me.

**Remus**: And Potions.

**Sirius**: Sluggy likes me too.

**James**: Slughorn in no way, shape, or form loves you.

**Remus**: I have my doubts about McGonagall too.

**Sirius**: Oh, I didn't tell you about our fantastic broom cupboard adventures last month?

**James**: I find it disgusting when you fantasize about our teacher who's tens of years older than us...

**Sirius**: She's a fox.

**Remus**: Anyway, why are you so upset when you can use Prongs' books?

**Sirius**: He doesn't carry them eeiitthheer - DAMN YOU, JAMES, DAMN YOU!

**James**: What?

**Remus**: God... go get some bloody textbooks, guys.

**Sirius**: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!

**Remus**: Right.

**Sirius**: What IS important are the books that I put in Moony's trunk THAT YOU JUST SET ON FIRE JAMES POTTER!

**James**: Why am I the bad guy? I already get enough of that from Lily.

**Sirius**: YOU BURNED MY BOOK OF GIRLS!

**Remus**: *looks disgusted* Then what was it doing in MY trunk?

**Sirius**: I was trying to do you a favor by helping you pick a girlfriend!

**James**: Let me get this straight: You have a book with the names of every girl in Hogwarts?

**Sirius**: Yep, every year I account for the new students, teachers, and the first years too. I rate them by their hotness or potential hotness, record if I've snogged them or not and –

**Remus**: Merlin, thank you for sparing me the horror of finding THAT in my trunk, Prongs!

**James**: See? Moony doesn't think I'm the bad guy!

**Sirius**: THAT BOOK WAS MY LIFE! _REPARO! REPARO! REPAROOOO!_

**James**: By the looks of it, he just repaired everything other than that...

**Sirius**: _REPAROO!_ ...YES!

**Remus**: _Incend–_

**Sirius**: _PROTEGOOOOOO!_

**Remus**: Damn.

**James**: Can I have a look at that?

**Sirius**: Certainly! Welcome to the dark side, Prongsie.

**James**: How does Lily only get a 4 out of 10?

**Sirius**: Have you seen the girl?

**James**: I see no girl but her.

**Sirius**: Well, here's plenty other girls for you to get acquainted with, I'm sure most of them would be more than willing–

**James**: DOES THIS SAY YOU'VE SNOGGED HER?

**Remus**: What?

**Sirius**: Actually, I put that one in there as a joke. Evans isn't quite up to my standard.

**James**: You stupid bastard!

**Sirius**: *runs* Heel, Prongsie, heel! DOWN, BOY, DOWN!

**Remus**: I believe you're the dog, actually, Sirius.

**Sirius**: Er... DON'T YOU TAKE OUT YOUR ANTLERS ON ME!

**James**: DAMN YOU, SIRIUS BLACK! *runs after him*

**Remus**: Good! Now I can fix all my things...

**Peter**: *wakes* Ugh... what happened? Why do I smell something burning?

**Remus**: Uh... it's your homework, James and Sirius are having a bonfire in the common room.

**Peter**: AGH! MY HOMEWORK! THAT WAS MY MIDNIGHT SNACK! *runs to common room*

**Remus**: *slams door and locks it once he leaves* Phew! Peace...*starts repairing all his stuff*

**Remus**: What's this? I can't even tell, it's so burnt..._reparo_!

...

**Remus**: DAMN YOU SIRIUS! How the hell do I return this to Mary? Wait no... they transfigured it... what was this before? Dammit... Transfig? Astronomy? Damn...

**Peter**: MOOOOOOOOOOOONY! THE DOOR ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED CAN I GET BACK IN?

**Remus**: Uh – uh... Remus isn't here right now, sorry.

**Peter**: Oh... can I leave a message?

**Remus**: *face/palm* Yes.

**Peter**: Um... REMUS I'M SO SORRY ONCE I BRUSHED SIRIUS' MOUTH AS A DOG WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!

**Remus**: ...Remus would like to know how long ago this was.

**Peter**: Um...like two years ago?

**Remus**: ...Remus would like to request that you leave now and try again later.

**Peter**: Ok, I'll go try to find him.

**Remus**: …Idiot... *starts talking to himself* Ugh, damn you, Sirius! And James! ...At least they're gone and Peter is too stupid to use _Alohomora_.

...

**Remus**: Probably lost is wand again...

*Mary unlocks the door and walks in*

**Mary**: Hey, Remus, I was just –

*sees what Remus is holding*

**Remus**: *thinks* CRAP! *says* I CAN EXPLAIN –

**Mary**: _PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!_

**Remus**: *goes stiff and falls* (thinking) OUCH! DAMMIT!

**Mary**: Lily! Melanie! I NEED MORAL SUPPORT!

*Lily, Melanie, James, and Sirius come in*

**Mary**: LOOK AT THIS!

**Melanie**: Boys, is there anything you'd like to tell us?

**James**: Nope, it's all Remus.

**Sirius**: We tried to stop him, but no.

**James**: I think Peter might've looked a couple of times.

**Sirius**: But then we stopped because, psh, after all, it's just a photo.

**Mary**: But why the hell does he have one? When did he take it?

**Sirius** **and** **James**: I bet he conjured it.

**Lily**: Oh Merlin...

**Melanie** **and** **Mary:** Well I guess we have to punish Remus... come on.

**Remus**: *thinks* IT WAS ALL THEM! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! WHY? *Mary and Melanie walk out with Remus*

**Lily**: Why did you guys do it?

**James**: Why did you not tell on us?

**Sirius**: I think a certain redhead likes someone.

**Lily**: I think a certain Quidditch star's best mate is raising his best mate's hopes unnecessarily.

**Sirius**: ...What?

**James**: Silly Lily, don't confuse him as such.

**Lily**: I told you not to rhyme things with my name!

**Sirius**: You know you love it.

**Lily**: Do not!

**James**: Do too.

**Lily**: _Silencio_!

**Sirius** **and** **James**: ...!

**Sirius**: ... ... ... ... ... ... (I'm really getting sick of that.)

**James**: .. ... (Me too.)

**Lily**: Well I get a kick out of it.

**James**: ... ... . ... ... (Just kidding, I like it.)

**Sirius**: .. ... ... ... ...! (My Merlin you are pathetic!)

**Lily**: Oh come on, no harm done. Now if you will excuse me, I should go make sure my friends don't kill yours. *lifts charm*

**Sirius**: What do you think they're going to do exactly?

**Lily**: I don't want to know... what are his weaknesses?

**Sirius**: You know what... I'm coming. As much as I like to see Remus tortured, we should try to help him.

**James**: How about we just stand there at the side and pretend to try to help him?

**Sirius**: ...Yeah that's good. Let's do that..

**Lily**: Hehe.

**Lily**: *catches up to Mary and Melanie* All right, ready to execute to plan?

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: Heheheh, yes!

**Remus**: ..., ... ...? (Wait, what plan?)

**Mary**: Wait, I hear them coming!

**Melanie**: Places!

*Sirius and James arrive outside the door*

**Mary**: ALL RIGHT LUPIN, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? *whispers* If you ask what the plan is, we'll lock you in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, play along! *lifts charms*

**Remus**: I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS ALL SIRIUS –

**Melanie**: *slaps* SHUT UP! WE KNOW IT WAS ALL YOU!

**Remus**: THAT HURT! *sees Lily* YOU KNOW IT WAS SIRIUS, LILY, NOW CALL THEM OFF!

**Lily**: No.

**Remus**: BUT –

**Lily**: You know, all of us secretly like you better, Remmy darling.

**Remus**: *whispering* Do you guys have any idea how painfully James and Sirius are going to KILL ME? *normal volume* NO!

*Sirius and James freeze outside door, where they've been standing, waiting for Remus to scream before going in for assistance*

**Melanie**: Yep, I hear all the fangirls like you best.

**Sirius**: *whispering* THAT BASTARD!

**James**: I know! HE _KNOWS_ I LOVE LILY!

**Sirius**: So does she.

**James**: Sadly, she doesn't feel the same way.

**Sirius**: GET IT TOGETHER, MATE! WE GOTTA STOP THEM!

**James**: RIGHT!

**Lily**: *whispering* They ought to be bursting in soon...

**Mary**: Everything's ready.

**Melanie**: Here we go!

*James and Sirius burst in*

**Sirius**: *heroically* WE'RE HERE TO SAVE THE DA–

**James**: LILY, MY LOVE, I WILL SAVE YOU!

**Lily**: Absolutely nothing is wrong with me.

**James**: I've always kind of wanted to say that, though, you know?

**Sirius**: ...You. Interrupted. My. Line.

**James**: Sorry, sorry, start again.

**Sirius**: AHEM! WE'RE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!

**Lily**: It's hilarious how all he was really missing was the end of one word.

**Sirius**: NOW YOU'RE INTERRUPTING ME, WHY LILY?

**Lily**: Sorry.

**Sirius**: NOW REMUS, PREPARE TO BE SAVED!

**Remus**: You're not going to kill me?

**Sirius**: Gotta save before we can kill.

**Remus**: Oh have mercy, all of you...

**Lily**: Okay, well, I'm just gonna sit back and watch, if that's cool.

**James**: That's totally cool.

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: NO ONE ASKED YOU!

**James**: No she certainly didn't, but –

**Mary** **and** **Melanie:** SHUT UP OR I'LL HAVE TO SLAP LUPIN AGAIN!

**Sirius:** By all means.

**James:** No saving him?

**Sirius:** Oh, right. NOW, FOUL WENCHES, PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR EVIL MAGIC DEFEATED BY OUR AMAZING CHARM AND MAGICAL ABILITY! WE'RE HERE FOR OUR "FRIEND" AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie:** Hiss, never.

**Sirius**: Oh wait. *turns on CD player*

*Battle music*

**Sirius**: NOW PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!  
**Mary**: NEVER!

**Melanie**: WE SHALL CONQUER!

**James**: DRAW!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: BRING IT!

**Sirius** **and** **James**: FINE!

*CHARGE!/CLASH!*

*intermission*

**Lily**: What the hell, why is there an intermission?

**Sirius**: Builds dramatic tension, now be quiet or you'll ruin it!

**Lily**: Hmph.

**James**: *sits down with Lily* I think this is interesting.

**Remus**: *tries to inch away and escape*

**James**: NEVER!

**Remus**: YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME OUT OF HERE BUT NOW YOU'RE SAYING –

**Mary** **and** **Melanie** **and** **Sirius**: SHUT UP!

**Remus**: Fine...

**James**: Can someone make some popcorn so I can pass it to Lily?

**Sirius**: *waves wand and conjures a Muggle popcorn machine because intermission isn't over yet*

**James**: Thank you. Here you go.

**Lily**: You know I wasn't serious, right?

**Sirius**: Duh you weren't serious, I'm the only –

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: SHUT UP WITH THE PUN! INTERMISSION OVER! *battle begins again*

**Sirius**: JAMES! PUT ON THE ACTIONY MUSIC AGAIN!

**James**: Right-o. Just gotta figure out how to... how do Muggles do it?

**Lily**: *rolls eyes* Press that button. No, that one. Yeah.

**James**: *sarcastic tone* Well, wasn't that the most obvious thing.

*Action-y music*

**Sirius**: Now where were we? Oh, yes! PREPARE TO BE DEFEATED BY THE AWESOME MIGHT OF SIR SIRIUS AND HIS SIDEKICK, JAMES THE JUST PLAIN AWESOME!

**James**: What? Why are you listed first with the cool name?

**Sirius**: I couldn't think of one for you, I just improved.

**James**: Well, I should get to pick my own name!

**Sirius**: Fine, what do YOU propose?

**James**: Er... Lily-Lover?

**Lily**: NO.

**James**: Spoil sport.

**Remus**: *thinking* If I could just get my wand... *hops, still tied to chair, toward wand*

**Mary**: OI! HE'S ESCAPING!

**Melanie**: _PETRIFICUS TOTALUS_!

**Remus**: *thinking again* Dammit...

**Sirius**: NEIGH, FOUL WENCHES! ENOUGH OF THIS... BLASPHEMY!

**Remus**: Wrong word.

**Sirius**: TIME FOR YOU TO BE FINISHED OFF BY SIR SIRIUS AND ...HE WHO HAS NOT YET CHOSEN AN OK-WITH-LILY NAME!

**Mary**: NEVER!

**James**: Are there any names that are all right with you?

**Lily**: I would prefer nothing to DO with me.

**James**: Well then I'm plain out of ideas.

**Mary** **and** **Melanie** **and** **Sirius**: *flashy lights pass by as battle begins for real again*

**Lily**: I really don't understand what you two are trying to accomplish.

**Remus**: Neither do I, really.

**Lily**: Potter, shouldn't you be out there?

**James**: Sir Sirius is doing fine without me.

**Remus**: That rings, you know? Sir Sirius...

**Lily**: Since when do you think about these things?

**Remus**: I'm being held captive by two insane girls while my two best mates are either watching or fighting ineffectively for my life – what else am I suppose to talk about?

**James**: Sunshine. Rainbows. Butterflies.

**Remus**: I'm not a seven-year-old girl, James.

**James**: Could've fooled me.

**Mary**: GIVE UP FOUL CRETIN!

**Sirius**: NEVER! SIR SIRIUS ALWAYS WINS!

**Melanie**: NAY! YE SHALT NOT DEFEAT US!

**Sirius**: OH NO YOU DI'NT!

**James**: *snaps*

**Lily**: Oh, yes, she did.

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: _STUPEFY!_

**Sirius**: *reflects*

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: NO! _STUPEFY_ AGAIN!

**Sirius**: *reflects* I'M SO GREAT! OH YEAH! SOMEONE NARRATE DRAMATICALLY ABOUT HOW GREAT I AM!

**James**: Sir Sirius is doing a fantastic job.

**Sirius**: NOW CHANGE THE MUSIC TO SOMETHING MORE DRAMATIC!

**James**: *changes music to something more dramatic*

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: THAT'S NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL!

**James**: HOW DARE SHE INSULT SIR SIRIUS' TASTE IN MUSIC! SIR SIRIUS SHALL NOW COUNTERACT!

**Sirius**: *counteracts* YEAAH – aw, it missed.

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: HAHAH! MARY AND MELANIE ONE, SIR SIRIUS ZERO!

**Remus**: Actually, I do believe he beat thee several times.

**Lily**: Is someone keeping score?

**Sirius**: NAY, BUT I DO KNOW I AM WINNING! DON'T WORRY, MAIDEN, YOU WILL GET AWAY SAFE!

**Remus**: ...Did he just call me a maiden?

**Sirius**: Oh yeah, that's right we're not rescuing Lily, it's Remus..

**Remus**: You suck.

**Sirius**: SIR SIRIUS DOES NOT SUCK AND SHALL PROVE IT BY DEFEATING THE FOUL WENCHES!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: NEVER! THE MEL-MARY TEAM ALWAYS WINS!

**Sirius**: SO DOES SIR SIRUS!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: THEN YOU SHALL EXPERIENCE YOUR FIRST LOSS AT OUR HANDS!

**Sirius**: NAY!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: YE!

**Sirius**: SIDEKICK! NARRATE AND PLAY MORE DRAMATIC MUSIC!

**James**: RIGHT! Answered the amazing sidekick (even though we all know he's not really a sidekick because being one sucks and is much better than Sir Sirius) while Sir Sirius valiantly fought the ugly evil wenches!

**Mary** **and** **Melanie** **and** **Sirius**: HEY!

*McGonagall bursts in*

**McGonagall**: WHAT IS ALL THIS YELLING? Oh, Marauders. Of course.

**James**: It's a battle for Remus, Professor.

**Sirius**: JOIN ME, PROFESSOR! TOGETHER WE SHALL EMERGE VICTORIOUS!

**McGonagall**: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BATTLE FOR LUPIN?'

**Remus**: Mary and Melanie – "Mel-Mary" took me captive and Sirius and James are fighting for my freedom.

**McGonagall**: Doesn't look like Potter's doing anything.

**James**: Oh, I'm in charge of the background music and narration. I'm not in the battle because I can't think of a snazzy nickname.

**Lily**: And I'm just watching, so if you give detentions, I don't deserve one.

**Remus**: NEITHER DO I, I'M BLOODY TIED UP!

**McGonagall**: PLEASE, LUPIN, NO YELLING!

**Sirius**: ! SIR SIRIUS CALLS FOR ANOTHER INTERMISSION!

**Mary**: THAT'S NOT FAIR, THERE'S ONLY ONE INTERMISSION!

**Sirius**: But that was before any of the real battling. Doesn't count.

**Melanie**: It sure as hell does count! You don't get another!

**Sirius**: Well I don't need one anymore, because while you were talking, distracted, I could heal myself. All's good. NOW BACK TO THE –

**McGonagall**: I FORBID THIS FROM GOING ON ANY LONGER!

**Sirius**: MINNIE, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN THIS! THIS IS FOR REMUS' LIFE! *more flashy battle lights*

**James**: Oh I hate this song. *switches*

**Remus**: Professor, could you by any chance release me from this horrible prison of doom?

**Lily**: That wasn't very creative at all, Maiden Remus.

**McGonagall**: Why did you even let yourself get kidnapped, Lupin?

**Lily**: Well, professor, you see, it all started with Black and Potter –

**McGonagall**: BLACK! POTTER! I DONT KNOW OR CARE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BUT DETENTION!

**James**: But we're on a rescue mission!

**Sirius**: Well that's no fun!

**Mary**: *hits Sirius with hex* THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING DISTRACTED!

**McGonagall**: Miss Macdonald, that is highly inappropriate! Detention!

**Sirius**: *hex*

**Melanie**: *hex*

**McGonagall**: That's it – Potter turn off the music, Miss Evans untie Lupin, BLACK STOP HEXING!

**Sirius**: NOT UNTIL REMUS IS – LILY, DON'T LISTEN TO HER! REMUS SHOULD ONLY BE SAVED BY I, SIR SIRIUS, NOBLE AND –

**McGonagall**: BLACK!

**Sirius**: NO! *hex hex hex hex*

*by now Mary and Melanie have stopped for fear of getting detentions, and Sirius is really just trying to be a rebel and is shooting hexes at random things*

**McGonagall**: BLACK, YOU'RE NOT EVEN HITTING ANYTHING!

**Sirius**: *hex*

**Remus**: OW! DAMMIT SIRIUS –

**Lily**: Hey, no yelling or I won't untie you.

**James**: *turns off actiony-dramatic music and switches to depressing*

**Sirius**: Depressing music?

**James**: I had fun doing this, I don't want it to end.

**McGonagall**: Well too bad. Detentions for all of you.

**Sirius** **and** **James**: Another?

**McGonagall**: Yes. I'm not in a good mood.

**Remus** **and** **Lily**: Me?

**Remus**: How am I supposed to help being tied up?

**Lily**: I was untying him!

**James**: I'm just the DJ.

**Sirius**: What's a DJ?

**James**: I dunno, I heard some Muggle-borns talking about them once.

**Mary** **and** **Melanie**: We were trying to get Black away!

**Sirius**: *spontaneously* I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.

**McGonagall**: BLACK STOP SINGING! I don't care, you all have detention anyway, Potter and Black have two each. Lupin, I told you to make new friends; Miss Evans, don't be a bystander; Miss Macdonald and Miss Knight, dueling is against school rules; Potter and Black, you ought to be used to it by now and this is NOT a good day to test my patience! *storms out*

...

**James**: You know she never told us when and where our detentions were.

**Sirius**: I think she was just PMSing.

*punch*

**Sirius**: What was that for?

**Mary**: Just being you.

**Sirius**: Anyhoo, I guess this means we don't have to go to detention! Woohoo!

**Lily**: You've got to be kidding! You can't skip a detention!

**Sirius**: Why not? *confused*

**Lily**: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHY NOT', YOU'LL GET IN HUGE TROUBLE!

**Remus**: Lily, they are trouble.

**James**: Well now, that's not very nice.

**Sirius**: I'm bored now. WHO WANTS TO GO HEX SOMEONE!

**James**: I DO, I DO!

**Remus** and **Lily** **and** **Everyone** **else**: *sigh*

**Sirius** **and** **James**: *run off to hex some Slytherins* Sigh... it's gonna be a good day.

* * *

I shouldn't have to say it. You know what I want.


	5. It Was a TEXTBOOK!

A/N: Aftermath/continuation of last chapter. Review, yeah? I should have another one up soon.

**Chapter 5: It was a TEXTBOOK!**

**Mary**: Sigh... that was a waste of a good twenty minutes.

**Melanie**: That wasn't twenty minutes.

**Mary**: Hey, where's the photo anyway?

**Melanie**: ...Did we leave it in their dorm?

**Remus**: Why were you in our dorm anyway?

**Mary**+**Melanie**: *ignoring Remus* ...Oh my Merlin...we have to go find it! Lily?

**Lily**: Yes, yes, coming.

**Remus**: W-w-WAIT! NO ONE EVER UNTIED ME!

**Remus**: ANYONE?

**Remus**: PLEASE?

**Remus**: Dammit.

**Lily**: *coming back* What?

**Remus**: You never completely untied me!

**Lily**: Oh *unties*

**Remus**: Thank you.

*meanwhile*

**Sirius**: So, who to hex today?

**James**: I dunno, who you in the mood for? A Nott? A Crabbe? A Malfoy?

**Sirius**: Hm... I'm feeling Malfoy.

*two walk off*

**Sirius**: Hey, this is random, but...what do you think would happen if we both had kids and they hated each other?

**James**: They couldn't hate each other. They'd have to be friends, because all the other kids would be too un-awesome.

**Sirius**: True...

**James**: After all, any kid from me and Lily would be pretty damn amazing.

**Sirius**: Ah, but how do you know Lily will bear your children?

**James**: Who the hell else would I have kids with?

**Sirius**: I'm saying maybe she'll find her dreeaaam man and it won't be you.

**James**: That won't happen. I won't let it.

**Sirius**: Well I have enough awesomeness in my blood to be more awesome than your kid.

**James**: I'm quite afraid that that is not true.

**Sirius**: Remus would agree. He's got the hots for me.

**James**: I, as well as the fangirls, desperately hope that's not true.

**Sirius**: PREJUDICE! BLASPHEMY!

**James**: ...Hey Sirius, you know how you snog a different girl every night?

**Sirius**: Yes, what about it?

**James**: That's why I hope it's not true.

**Sirius**: But Moony is still a piece of meat.

**James**: Then he would have to eat himself, because of his furry little problem.

**Sirius**: Well he'd be a cannibal anyway because he's always wolfing – get it, wolfing? – it down at dinner.

**James**: So we've established that Moony is a cannibalistic piece of probably uncooked meat who is attracted to you?

**Sirius**: Who would agree with me that my kid would be more awesome than yours, yes.

**James**: Not with my blood mixed with Lily's. My child will practically be a god.

**Sirius**: There's Moony. Let's see what that sexy hunk of self-eating uncooked meat thinks.

*a few minutes earlier*

**Remus**: I wonder if they found the picture... *picks up random paper on the floor*

**Remus**: Oh..here it is...I found it...

**Misc**. **male** **classmate**: Found what? *looks* ….

**Other** **misc**. **male** **classmate**: What're you looking at? *looks also* ….

**Mary**: Oh, Remus! Did you find it?

**Remus**: *flashes picture wordlessly*

**Mary**: O-okay, well, at least we found it. Now may I ask one question, Remus?

**Remus**: Shoot.

**Mary**: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

**Remus**: Oh, w-well, Sirius and – there's no need for that wand out! – Sirius and James were –

**Mary**: Oh sure, blame it on them. Why not.

**Remus**: No! They were transfiguring my stuff! My textbooks, everything! They made a pink fuzzy scarf and a kitten -

**Melanie**: What kind of sick bastard keeps a kitten in their trunk?

**Mary**: Really.

**Remus**: What? No! See, they were –

**Melanie**: Oh, save it! We're done with your LIES!

**Mary**: That's right. *walk away indignantly*

**Remus**: WHAT LIES?

**Random** **classmate**: So, dude...can I keep it?

**Remus**: NO! This is going right back into a textbook once I can find those bastards that did this!

**Random** **classmate**: Don't pretend that used to be a textbook.

**Remus**: WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME? I AM REMUS J. LUPIN, AND I AM NOT LYING!

**Sirius**: *sneaking up behind Remus* You are most definitely a liar.

**Remus**: No I'm not!

**James**: Yep.

**Remus**: Peter?

**Peter**: Snore.

**Remus**: I'm not a liar I tell you, dammit!

**Lily**: What is he lying about?

**Remus**: SHOULDN'T LILY BE ON MY SIDE?

**Sirius**: He found that picture of Mary and is denying –

**Remus**: Here we go with the denial again...

**Sirius**: – that he ever got it by a total non-Transfiguring way.

**James**: That definitely was not a textbook.

**Remus**: *pushes Sirius+James against a wall in a very rough, un-Remus-like way*

**Sirius**+**James**: Remus!

**Remus**: TELL ME WHICH BOOK IT WAS, DAMN YOU!

**James**: I swear it wasn't a textbook.

**Sirius**: Yeah, those all got caught in the _Incendio_ when he burned my GIRL BOOK!

**James**: I'm sorry!

**Remus**: Then what the bloody hell was it?

**James**: ...

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: ...

**James**: I dunno, I forgot.

**Remus**: UGH! *furiously runs away, ready to hex someone to a painful death*

**Sirius**: Oh hey, he dropped the picture.

**James**: I didn't really forget what it was, you know.

**Sirius**: ...We could absolutely destroy his life with this.

**James**: Isn't that a bit much?

**Sirius**: No, because he ruined our plans to save and then kill him, remember?

**James**: Right, let's do it.

**Sirius**: Yes...Now to devise the devious plan of blackmailing Moony...

**The Next Morning**

**Remus**: Okay, feeling slightly less murderous..

**Sirius**: Oh Reeeemus!

**Remus**: There goes my good mood.

**James**: We were just thiiiinking...

**Remus**: You know what thinking is?

**Sirius**: We thought it would be ever so kind of you...

**James**: To do us each a little favor!

**Remus**: May I ask what the favors are and how exactly you plan to persuade me?

**James**: One: Convince Lily to go out with me –

**Sirius**: And Two: Re-write my girl book.

**Remus**: And why?

**James**: Well, both of the tasks need to be done.

**Sirius**: And it would be more unfortunate than Andromeda finding out about that certain dream of yours *Remus twitches angrily* if Lily or Melanie or _Mary_ was to find...THIS! *whips out photograph*

...

**Remus**: You bastards. Just... don't.

**James**: Lily's a-waiting.

**Sirius**: As is my girl book.

**Remus**: The girl book he restored to it's full use after burning it?

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: Er... Peter used it as a napkin.

**Remus**: Although I don't believe you, that's a good excuse.

**Peter**: What's a napkin?

**James**: Well, he could still get Lilyyy...?

**Remus**: No.

**Sirius**: Oh, BUT YOU WILL!

**Remus**: Will I?

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: EVERYOOOOONE, LOOK AT WHAT REMUS JOHN LUPIN HAD IN HIS TRUNK!

**Remus**: NO!

**James**: Yes!

**Mary**: _REMUS IF THAT'S WHAT I THINK IT IS_ –

**Remus**: IT WAS A TEXTBOOK! A TEXTBOOK!

**James**+**Sirius**+**Random** **classmate**: Suuure.

**Mary**: REMUS JOHN LUPIN I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!

**Remus**: SIRIUS BLACK I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU! *runs for dear life*

**Mary**: GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU! *gives chase armed with wand and shooting hexes*

**Random** **classmates**: *disperse*

**Sirius**: ...Aren't they being a little immature?

**James**: And they tell us to grow up.

**Sirius**: Yeah, we only chased girls until we came to Hogwarts.

**James**: Ah, the lovely neighborhood girls...but none of them surpasses the glorious beauty of my one true love with hair the color of maple leaves, my own goddess whose name, whose face expresses such sweetness and gentility –

**Sirius**: Oh, look, there's one chasing after you now.

**Lily**: JAMES, I AM GOING TO MUDER YOU IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

**James**: ...She's just playing hard to get right now.

**Sirius**: NO YOU SHUT UP LILY!

**Lily**: I MEAN IT POTTER– wait, what?

**Sirius**: I SAID SHUT UP!

**Lily**: Why?

**Sirius**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Lily**: What?

**James**: Ignore him.

**Sirius**: SHUT UP!

**James**: Ugh, shut up!

**Sirius**: NO YOU – *James punches Sirius* Ow.

**James**: Told you to shut up.

**Sirius**: I hate Chasers...

*meanwhile*

**Mary**: REMUUUUSSS!

**Remus**: HELP! PLEASE, SOMEONE!

**McGonagall**: Lupin, Macdonald, what _is_ going on?

**Remus**: SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!

**McGonagall**: I think that's a bit dramatic, Lupin.

**Mary**: I'M TRYING TO KILL HIM!

**McGonagall**: Sigh. Why?

**Mary**: Show her, Remus.

**Remus**: I don't have it, I dropped it.

**McGonagall**: What is 'it'?

**Mary**: ...

**Remus**: Sirius had it.

**Mary**: ...BLAAAAACK!

*somewhere else in the castle*

**Random** **classmate** **who** **saw** **it** **in** **the** **first** **place**: Haha! Macdonald, Evans, Lupin, Potter, and Black shall NEVER know I stole it while they were turned the other way!

*back to wherever Remus, Mary, and McGonagall are*

Mary: WHERE. IS. IT? *holding Remus against the wall with wand pointed at him*

**McGonagall**: Now Miss Macdonald, there is no reason for you to be threatening Lupin that fiercely.

*James and Sirius run up*

**Sirius**: Ah, but Minnie darling, you don't even know what it is.

**McGonagall**: Well Lupin might loose an eye!

**Sirius**: Well as amusing as Moony the Eyepatch Pirate would be, let's just ask that group a guys snickering and drooling over there... Oi, you lot!

**Random** **classmates**: Er...we didn't steal anything.

**Mary**: That's not bloody suspicious at all!

**Peter**: No it's not, they said they didn't –

**Sirius**: Just shut up, Peter.

**Peter**: All right.

**Remus**: Really, you guys, just hand it over.

**Random** **classmates**: No! We found it! It was just there!

**McGonagall**: For Merlin's sake, just summon it, whatever it is!

**Sirius**: Patience, Minnie, patience.

**Random** **classmates**: *refusing*

**James**: I think we have to bring in the secret weapon.

**Sirius**: Good idea. Anybody got ear plugs?

**Remus**: I'm not sure if we have to resort to _that_...

**Sirius**: *casually walks to behind where the random guys are*

**Mary**+**Melanie**+**McGonagall**: What is this?

**James**: *draws breath*

**Remus**: Just wait.

**James**: LILYYYY, I LOVE YOU!

**Lily**: *comes stalking in* Shut up.

**Sirius**: No you... *clears throat, still behind where the guys are* HEY LILY, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE PRONGS?

**Lily**: SHUT UP BLACK!

**Random** **classmates**: *caught in the middle of Lily's yells* OH SH–

**Sirius**: Scary, isn't it? LILY'S IN DENIAL, LILY'S IN DENIAL!

**Lily**: _I AM NOT IN DENIAL!_

**Random** **classmates**: *cringing*

**McGonagall:** I have to admit, this is a good plan.

**Remus**: It always works.

**Lily**: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING I'M IN DENIAL? I'M NOT IN DENIAL! I'VE NEVER BEEN IN DENIAL! I _DO NOT LOVE JAMES POTTER!_

**Random** **classmates**: *run for their lives*

**Mary**: *dives for photograph* THIS – is what Remus had in his trunk.

**McGonagall**: *after recovering from Lily's screams* LUPIN!

**Remus**: TEXTBOOK!

**Lily**: ...Why does everyone always run away when I yell at Black across a crowd of people?

**James**: They're afraid of the power of our love.

**Lily**: I am not in love with you...

**Sirius**: Hehe.


	6. Where are my lemon drops, boys?

A/N: Again, a continuation of last chapter. This chapter has one of my favourite parts which I am opting to update instead of start the essay that's due tomorrow...And it's AU for a little while but it works out, so just ignore it if you don't like it.

Have any of you seen A Very Potter Musical? (If not, definitely YouTube it.) We kind of hinted at part of it. Hope that's all right..

This fic..does have viewers, right? I do know how many hits it gets..so review, yeah? Thanks.

**Chapter 6: Where are my lemon drops, boys?**

**Recap**: Lily is _definitely_ not in denial and Remus will never acknowledge that that picture wasn't a textbook at one point.

**Sirius**: And that was most certainly _not_ a textbook.

**Remus**: IT MOST CERTAINLY WAS YOU BLOODY MUTT TRANSFIGURING MY THINGS AND SETTING THEM ON FIRE AND –

**Melanie**: Merlin, Remus is it your time of month or something? Really.

**Remus**: N-no! Of course not! After all it's not like I'm a werewolf or anything that transforms under the full moon! Ahaha, good one, Melanie... Eheheh...

**Mary**: ...That was weird. AND THAT DOES NOT DISTRACT MY FURY AND I AM STILL GOING TO MURDER YOU IN WAYS THAT EVEN YOU-KNOW-WHO WOULD FIND CRUEL AND FRIGHTENING AND I SWEAR YOU WILL FLINCH AT THE SLIGHTEST NOISE THAT MIGHT SIGNIFY MY APPROACH AND YOU REMUS JOHN LUPIN SHALL LIVE IN A PERPETUAL HELL FROM THIS DAY FORTH!

**Remus**: What else is new? *glares pointedly at Sirius*

**Sirius**: What?

**Lily**: That's my line.. Idiot Black going around telling everyone how I love James..

**Sirius**: So it's true, then?

**Lily**: N-NO IT BLOODY WELL IS NOT AS TRUE AS MY FEELINGS FOR J– J– jam!

**Remus**: Jam? Here we call it marmalade, Lily.

**James**: I like jam.

**Lily**: *blushes and runs away...again.*

**Melanie**: I think that's a new record.. She's now capable of staying for 30 seconds after letting it slip that she fancies Potter. We better go find her.. C'mon Mary.

**Mary**: I guess I'll have to kill Lupin some other time then.. I WONT FORGET THIS SO YOU HAD BETTER FIND A DAMN GOOD HIDEOUT LUPIN BECAUSE I AM COMING AND YOU WILL–

**McGonagall**: MISS MACDONALD, TOP SHOUTING DEATH THREATS DOWN THE HALL!

**Sirius**: *muttering* We get it all ready! Merlin, she's gonna nag you to death, Moony!

**Mary**: SHUT UP BLACK OR I'LL BE COMING FOR YOU TOO.

**Sirius**: Oh, I'm so scared. *sigh* All the girls just can't leave me alone..

**Remus**: Don't. Bring. Them. Up. They might come swarming. No wait, maybe if she thinks I'm dead from fangirls swarm, then she'll go away like bears do when they think their food's dead..

**McGonagall**: Well, you won't have the chance Lupin. We're going to see the headmaster right now about this.. photograph! *drags him away*

**Remus**: WHAT? NO!

**Sirius** + **James**: Can we come?

**McGonagall**: *sigh* Fine.

**Sirius**: She always did love me...

*a few minutes later*

**Remus**: AND THEN SIRIUS AND JAMES BURNT THE ASTRONOMY TEXTBOOK AND TOOK OUT A PINK FUZZY SCARF AND A KITTEN AND –

**Dumbledore**: You had a kitten in your trunk? *eyebrow raise*

**Remus**: NO! IT WAS A TEXTBOOK! I DON'T KNOW WHICH, BECAUSE THEY WON'T TELL ME! BUT THEY BURNT AND TRANSFIGURED EVERYTHING AND THEY MADE THE PHOTOGRAPH AND ITS JUST HORRIBLE TO RELIVE AND OH MERLIN!

**Dumbledore**: Well boys, this is a predicament.

**Sirius**+**James**: *shrug* He's lying, you know.

**James**: I don't recall any textbooks.

**Sirius**: I don't think we were even in the dorm that day.

**James**: Well, we came to investigate after hearing Mary's shrieks.

**Sirius**: Then we moved to an unused classroom and had our huge dramatic battle: Sir Sirius and He-Who-Never-Chose-A-Nickname versus Melmary.

**James**: I think we need to do something about Remus, Professor. It's going to get serious.

**Dumbledore**: Boys, this is already _Sirius_.

**All**: ...

**Dumbledore**: *as if nothing had happened* Well, I think all we need to do is inspect Remus' trunk to see if the textbooks are still in their same condition.

**Sirius**: All right, hold on. *runs outside the door and comes back in immediately with Remus' trunk* You see, Professor Dumbledore, I've been walking around with Remus' trunk to protect its contents from anyone who might want to turn a book into, say, a kitten or a soft blue scarf.

**Remus**: YOU BAST–

**Sirius**: AND here you are. *opens trunk* See the assortment of beautiful textbooks owned by an irresponsible werewolf? Every textbook for every subject he needs, not transfigured at all.

**Remus**: I'LL KILL –

**Sirius**: You will also notice that there is no girl book in here, but that's because the one thing that was destroyed – by James – was that.

**James**: I fixed it!

**Sirius**: I told you Peter used it as a bloody napkin!

**Remus**: You were lying.

**Sirius**: SHUT UP OR I'LL TURN THIS MUGGLE STUDIES BOOK INTO A NICE FRILLY PURPLE SKIRT FOR LITTLE GIRLS!

**Remus**: YOU SEE? HE HAS A BIZARRE DESIRE TO RUIN MY LIFE BY TRANSFIGURING MY STUFF! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BOTH OF THEM HAVE ALSO SHAVED MY HEAD, AND –

**McGonagall**: LUPIN, THAT IS ENOUGH!

**Remus**: *furious*

**Sirius**: Honestly, some people just overreact.

**James**: We're terribly sorry for taking up your time, Professor.

**Dumbledore**: That is quite all right boys. Now, let's celebrate this reborn camaraderie – with lemon drops!

**Remus**: BUT THEY'VE EMOTIONALLY SCARRED ME FOR LIFE, AND STOLEN FROM MY CHOCOLATE STASH!

**Dumbledore**: Just wait until you taste a lemon drop, Remus. You will feel better in no time. *rummages for lemon drops*

**Remus**: Nothing can possibly compare to the calming of chocolate..

**Dumbledore**: *chuckle* Good one, Remus –

...

**Dumbledore**: Where are my lemon drops?

**Sirius**: ...

**McGonagall**+**Remus**+**James**: *look pointedly at Sirius while Dumbledore's still in his drawer*

**Dumbledore**: I could have sworn I put them over there, behind my Zac Efron poster...

**Sirius**: *edges away a little bit*

**Dumbledore**: …

**All**: …

**Dumbledore**: *somewhat lightly* Where are my lemon drops?

**Sirius**: *whistles casually*

**Dumbledore**: Why are you whistling, Sirius?

**Sirius**: Oh, I-I'm sorry. I must've drifted out of a normal train of thought while admiring your LOVELY Zefron poster!

**Dumbledore**: Oh, that's quite all right. I know my Zefron poster is just magnificent, I don't know what I'd do if Voldemort turned it into a Horcrux or something. I have to say it's more valuable than my lemon drops and that is saying something.

**James**: Yes it is.

**Remus**: ...Right. Well, Professor Dumbledore, I have a confession.

**Dumbledore**: Mm? Hurry up, I need to find them. Could they be buried among the vast collection of items that will some day be destroyed by one of your children?

**Sirius**+**James**: What?

**Remus**: It – it was Sirius.

**Dumbledore**: No, no, it's James' child.

**Sirius**+**James**: WHAT?

**Remus**: No! Sirius stole your lemon drops!

**Dumbledore**: ...Now Remus, why would you say something like that?

**Sirius**: Honestly!

**James**: A kid?

**Remus**: IT WAS SIRIUS, I TELL YOU!

**Dumbledore**: Remus John Lupin, Sirius Black is a prized student! Just look at his obsessive protection of your trunk!

**Remus**: ...

**Dumbledore**: Why would Sirius want to steal MY lemon drops?

**Remus**: IT WAS HIM! IT WAS HIM, IT WAS HIM, IT WAS –

**McGonagall**: Lupin, that's enough!

**Dumbledore**: Why are you so keen on framing Sirius? Perhaps it was – YOU! YOU STOLE MY LEMON DROPS!

**Remus**: NO, NO, I SWEAR!

**Sirius**: He's in denial, Professor.

**James**: ...

**Sirius**: Prongs, you all right? Whatever. Let's look in Remus' trunk! *rummages in trunk while Remus stands there, fuming* L-LOOK AT THIS! PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!

**Dumbledore**: ...

**McGonagall**: ...

**James**: ...

**Remus**: ...Shit.

**Dumbledore**: Lupin... *trying to stay calm like he usually does*

**Remus**: I can explain!

**Dumbledore**: _Lupin..._

**Remus**: Please, no! LET ME EXPLAIN!

**Sirius**+**James**: We told him it was wrong.

**Sirius**: He didn't listen. He never does.

**Dumbledore**: LUPIN!

**Remus**: Professor McGonagall? SOMEONE? PLEASE! AAH – SIRIUS, I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU! *flees*

**Dumbledore**: Silly Lupin, you lie again. Sirius will be the one going to Azkaban, not you.

**Sirius**: WHAT?

**Dumbledore**: _Obliviate!_ *everyone forgets what he said about James' child and Sirius in Azkaban*

**All**: ...Did something just happen?

**Dumbledore**: HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY LEMON DROPS, BOY! *gives chase*

**James**: That was a little harsh, Paddy-foot.

**Sirius**: Paddy...? Yeah well, he deserved it.

**McGonagall**: He deserved it? What did he do now?

**Sirius**: Well, he gave us detentions.

**James**: And created a bad photograph of Mary Macdonald, you saw it.

**Sirius**: He insulted my fangirls –

**James**: He had a _kitten_ in his _trunk_!

**McGonagall**: Boys...just...

**Sirius**: But Minnie, after last week in the broom closet –

**McGonagall**: Do not finish that sentence.

**Sirius**: All right.

**James**: …

**McGonagall**: Tell me something, boys. Why on Earth would you put a kitten in his trunk?

**Sirius**: We didn't!

**McGonagall**: You're good actors and good liars, but I know both of you are better at Transfiguration than Lupin is, and that kitten was perfect.

**James**: Was?

**Sirius**: To be honest, it was because we didn't know where the library is and...what did he say?

**James**: He said the library was 'the place with all the books in it' so we dove into his trunk.

**Sirius**: Teaches him a lesson about being so vague.

**James**: If he had said the place on the fourth floor with all the books in it, we might have checked there first.

**Sirius**: We do know where the library is. We do. Right, Prongs?

**James**: Er – yeah. I've been there loads of times.

**McGonagall**: …

**James**: …

**Sirius**: …

**McGonagall**: …

**James**+**Sirius**: I've never been to the library.

**McGonagall**: …

**Sirius**: What good did books ever do us?

**James**: Os on the OWLs without them.

**Sirius**+**James**: Who needs it?

**McGonagall**: Boys?

**Sirius**+**James**: Yes?

**McGonagall**: Go back to your common room. Stop setting your Headmaster after one of your best friends who is probably tired enough as it is. Stop creating kittens from textbooks, because I'm out of room and have to start a kitten adoption service. Stop burning, stealing, for Merlin's sake _pranking_... Learn to control your fangirls and, Merlin save us all, get yourselves girlfriends so you will stop publicizing your thoughts and broom closet fantasies about your teachers and Lily Evans.

**Sirius**+**James**: …

**Sirius**: No.

**James**: If Lily came out of denial then that wouldn't be a problem.

**Sirius**: But Merlin is that girl in denial –

**McGonagall**: *smacks forehead with palm and walks out of Dumbledore's office*

**Sirius**: That was fun.

**James**: I kind of want to go to the library. Just to see.

**Sirius**: I never want you to say that again.

**James**: Fine.

**Sirius**: With Lily as your future girlfriend because she has to come out of denial at some point, I imagine she'll drag you there and make you sit quietly for hours while she studies and does homework. I don't know why –

**James**: I don't know why she'd want to go there.

**Sirius**: Well, I was going to say I don't know why people would want to do homework, but yeah.

**James**: Well if going there is what is required in a relationship, then I don't know if I'm ready for that commitment.

**Sirius**: Good, because she's not coming out of her invisible denial-shell yet –

**James**: Shut up, dog.

**Sirius**: And what's wrong with dogs, antler-boy?

**James**: Are you having a go at me?

**Sirius**: So you want to have a go, do you?

**James**: Saturday. 8:00. Secret passage behind the mirror.

**Sirius**: YOU ARE ON – wait, can't.

**James**: If you have a broom closet appointment again, I swear to Merlin, because last time–

**Sirius**: No! Detention with Flitwick, remember?

**James**: Oh, yeah. Friday, then?

**Sirius**: Deal.

*from distance*

**Dumbledore**: LUPIN!

**Remus**: TAKE THE LEMON DROPS! TAKE THEM! AAHHH!

**Sirius**: *smiling* Prongs? Let's go back to the common room.

*they leave*


	7. Ra ra ra SHUT UP!

A/N: Chapter 8 will be up tomorrow :) By the way, is this formatting better?

**Chapter 7: Ra-ra-ra SHUT UP!**

Sirius and James are teenage boys. What do teenage boys do? They act like idiots. Especially when they get in fights over nothing.

**Sirius**: What's that, Prongs? Whassat? You want me to tackle the three of you again? As a dog?

**James**: Shut up or I'll get out the antlers!

**Sirius**: YOU WANT TO FIGHT, DEER BOY?

**James**: Oh, you're on.

*both transform*

**Remus**: Oh Merlin...

*Sirius and James run outside into the corridors*

**Remus**: *sigh* I know they'll be blamed for it for some reason, and I'll get dragged into it trying to cover them, and we get punished but they don't care and skip it so then I'm left to take the blame then they'll wonder why I'm so pissed off..

**Sirius**: *growl*

**James**: *deer noises*

**Lily**: Well as adorable as that stag is, I have homework to do.

*after she walks away*

**Remus**: Oh she just _doesn't_ know what she's missing.

*Sirius+James fight*

**Remus**: Well this is rather boring. Don't stab him with the antler too hard!

*both transform back, right there in the middle of the corridor*

**Remus**: Y-YOU IDIOTS! SOMEONE COULD HAVE SEEN YOU!

**Sirius**: ...

**James**: ...

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: Remus?

**Remus**: What now?

**Sirius**: Could you bring us to the hospital wing?

**Remus**: Why must I have such idiotic friends..why..why, oh why, oh why –

**Sirius**: Just get us to the bloody hospital wing, little werewolf.

**James**: Pfft.. _bloody_ hospital wing..

**Sirius**: Hahah yeah, and it's only gonna get bloodier, hurry up, Moony!

**Remus**: *sigh*

**Sirius**: I heard Mary volunteers there, you know.

**Remus**: ...What does that have to do with me?

**Sirius**: Sure, act like you don't know what we're saying.

**Remus**: That shouldn't be too hard.

**James**: Right.. and we DIDN'T see you twitch at the sound of her name, definitely not.

**Remus**: That's because you didn't.

**James**: What about _Andromeda?_

**Remus**: WHAT?

**Sirius**: OH ANDROME–

**Remus**: ALL RIGHT, all right! Come on. *heaves them up* But I _better_ get some bloody chocolate for this...

**James**: Who are we to deprive a dear werewolf of his chocolate?

**Remus**: Stop saying stuff like that in the middle of corridors!

**Sirius**: Am I hearing less chocolate by the word?

**Remus**: TO THE HOSPITAL WING!

*five minutes later*

**Sirius**: OOOH MADAM!

**Madam Pomfrey**: Oh my –

**Remus**: Don't ask what happened. Please.

**Madam Pomfrey**: No, I suppose I'm used to it by now with you boys...

**Remus**: Great. Hey, do you have any chocolate?

**Madam Pomfrey**: Er – no. Why?

**Remus**: ...I had a dream about dementors?

**Sirius**: *cough* And Andromeda... *elbowed by Remus*

**Madam Pomfrey**: Well, I'm afraid you will have to wait until Honeydukes. And please refrain from inflicting further damage to my patients.

**Remus**: Sorry.

**Madam Pomfrey**: *goes to get medicine*

**Sirius**: I think that elbow may have cost you more chocolate.

**Remus**: Well, it's bad for dogs anyway. I know you would have stolen some from what you gave me... But it's just _sooo_ good... *dry sob*

**Sirius**: I love it, but I wish I wasn't allergic...

**James**: You're not.

**Sirius**: I meant as a dog, idiot.

**James**: Who fed you chocolate as a dog?

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: Well at least he didn't get into my chocolate stash.

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: YOU BASTARD!

**Sirius**: Peter did it first! He had it open and I couldn't resist, dog instinct!

**James**: Typical dogs, eating whatever they find.

**Sirius**: Shut up and go eat some grass, Antler-boy.

**James**: Ouch. Might have to stab you with another antler for that.

**Sirius**: I'll look forward to it.

**James**: Oh, was that a challenge, Padfoot?

**Sirius**: It won't be for me!

**James**: It's on, Dogbreath.

**Remus**: _You infiltrated my chocolate stash?_

**Sirius**: Shut up, Moony. This is intense.

**James**: Yeah, I'm about to kick Sissy-us' big, black, hairy, dog –

**Sirius**: OH NO, SIR, YOU DID NOT!

**Remus**: Yes he did! Thank you, James!

**Sirius**: PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, JAMES POTTER!

**Remus**: Kick his ass, Prongs! For my chocolate stash!

**Lily**: Did someone just say they were going to beat up James?

**Sirius**: Yes, Flower Power! For he insulted my –

**Lily**: Oh. It's for something stupid.

**Melanie**: Isn't it always?

**Remus**: No! This time its for my chocolate!

**James**: What? Did you not waaant me beaten up?

**Lily**: ...

**James**: ...

**Lily**: BEAT HIM UP, SIRIUS.

**Sirius**: So the redheads on my side!

**Lily**: I wouldn't go _that_ far...

**Remus**: Lily's with me.

**James**: ...

**Remus**: Meaning, Lily's on my side.

**James**: Better.

**Lily**: Boys, boys, are we going to get to the fighting?

**Madam Pomfrey**: There shall be no fighting in here! The last thing you boys need is a few more injuries!

**Lily**: Aww...

**Remus**: You just want to see James win.

**Lily**: SHUT UP.

**Sirius**: NO YOU –

**Remus**: SHUT UP SIRIUS!

**Sirius**: ...

**Remus**: LILY, CAN WE PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY MAKE ME KILL MYSELF?

**Madam Pomfrey**: They'll be no kill–

**Remus**: SHUUUT UUUUUPP! *runs out on a mad rampage* WHY ARE MY FRIENDS SUCH IDIOTS?

**Sirius+James+Lily+Madam Pomfrey**: ...

**Sirius**: Oh right, we were going to have a match..

**Lily**: KICK HIS ASS, BLACK!

**Sirius**: I dunno, it's not the same now that Remmy left...

**Lily**: Beat. Him. Up.

**Madam Pomfrey**: I forbid it!

**James**: But Liiilyyyyy...

**Lily**: It's NOT just because I want to see you win, which you obviously will.

**James**: What was that?

**Lily**: ...nothing.

**James**: Nothing?

**Lily**: *blushing insanely*

**Sirius**: I think someone is in de-ni-al –

**Lily**: _I AM NOT IN DENIAL!_

**James**: I'll believe your not in denial, Lily.

**Lily**: ...*runs out, embarrassed*

**Sirius**: Did you really mean that?

**James**: Hell no, she's in denial.

**Madam Pomfrey**: So the two of you aren't going to fight?

**Sirius+James**: Well now there isn't any point...

**Madam Pomfrey**: *walks away, grumbling* Making me come out here when a Hufflepuff has broken his leg...

**James**: Lily needs to come out of denial.

**Sirius**: You know, they do say the key to romance is music..

**James**: I thought the O So Wise Sir Sirius Orion Black said the key to a relationship is snogging.

**Sirius**: This isn't a relationship, it's denial of romance!

**James**: *sigh* All right. What's your plan?

* * *

*that night*

**Remus**: Just get on with this so I can get to sleep...

**Sirius**: Quit ruining the atmosphere.

**James**: Well I'll fix it. _Sonarus!_

*pulls out guitar he learned to play from some miscellaneous Gryffindor* *takes a deep breath, about to burst into song, when instead*

**Sirius**: RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA ROMAMA GAGA OOH LA LA, WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE, LILY!

**James**: ...

**Entire school**: ...

**James**: What the hell are you doing?

**Sirius**: Saving the entire school - mostly Lily - from having to listen to a terrible love song.

**James**: You're the one who came up with the bloody idea!

**Sirius**: And how many times has Minnie told you not to listen to me?

**Entire school**: ...

**Remus**: Maybe we should take the Sonorus off.

**Sirius**: I VOTE THAT JAMES POTTER SHOULD HAVE A DETENTION FOR INTERRUPTING EVERYONE'S STUDIES!

**James**: I VOTE THAT SIRIUS BLACK SHOULD HAVE A DOUBLE DETENTION FOR COMING UP WITH THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

**Sirius**: LILY, JUST COME OUT OF YOUR BLOODY DENIAL SO THAT WE CAN END THIS ARGUMENT!

**Lily**: *blushing profusely* *mutters* _I am not in denial_...

**McGonagall**: _Sonarus!_ BOYS! SHUT UP!

**Remus**: Oh Merlin...

**Sirius**: NO YOU –

**Remus**: _QUIETUUUSSS!_ *punches Sirius down*

**Entire school**: ...

**Random Gryffindor Boy**: Have we won another Quidditch match or did Black just down another bottle of fire whiskey?

**Mary**: I think they're just being them.

**Lily**: I'm telling you! I'M NOT IN DENIAL!

**McGonagall**: MISS EVANS PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

**More Random Gryffindors**: Yeah! Shut up! I have a quiz tomorrow! Go to sleep already!

**Lily**: ... Well I'm not.. *slight blushing*

**Mary+Melanie+Remus+Sirius**: Suure, you aren't.

**James**: *sigh* Guess a good old love song will have to wait until Valentine's Day.

**Remus**: I don't think ANYONE, not even Lily in her insane denial, wants to hear you sing.

**Sirius+James**: What?

**Sirius**: You're agreeing with me for once?

**James**: You think I can't sing?

**Remus**: Well, yes. Once in a while Padfoot makes sense and your singing rehearsals are the reason that most of our dormitory is camping out in the common room right now and for the past week.

**James**: *defeat*

**Sirius**: *shock*

**Peter**: *munch*

**Remus**: *rolls over in his bed and hugs large chocolate bar*

**James+Peter**: Whatever, let's just go to bed.

**Remus**: *cuddling*

**Sirius**: I want your loving, I want your revenge, you and me can write a baad romaance, wooooaahh~

**James**: No one exactly wants to hear you sing, either.

**Peter**: *nods*

**Sirius**: Tell that to the whole school. They loved my rendition of Bad Romance by Lady Gaga.

**Remus**: Stop singing songs that don't exist yet and let me go to sleep! *more cuddling*

**Sirius**: You're going to melt that chocolate..

**Remus**: Melted chocolate is heavenly.

**Sirius**: Isn't any chocolate heavenly?

**Remus**: Yes.

**Sirius**: What about cocoa beans?

**Remus**: Anything chocolate is made from is a friend of mine.

**Sirius**: So if I was something chocolate was made from, you would be my friend?

**Remus**: Good, Padfoot! You've finally grasped the fact that I shouldn't be friends with you, after everything that's happened since first year!

**Sirius**: You mean like me stealing those five hundred kilograms of Belgian chocolate last Saturday?

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: Night! *big grin*

* * *

AN: Tell me what you think?


	8. The Chronicles of Jam

A/N: It's short.

**Chapter 8: The Chronicles of Nar- Jam**

*in the Great Hall the following morning*

**Sirius**: So, Lillers, how did you like being serenaded last night?

**Lily**: I would have liked it better if J-j– ...ahem.

**Sirius**: Were you going to say JAMES?

**Lily**: No! JAM! I was going to say if jam – James – jam –

**Sirius**: Oh yeah? Well, you change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

**Fangirls**: He's singing again! Oh my God! Yessss–

**Lily**: Well I AM a girl, idiot.

**Sirius**: And you PMS like a bitch, I would know.

**Lily**: ...Excuse me?

**Sirius**: And you over-think, always speak cryptically..

**Remus**: No she doesn't..

**Sirius Fangirls**: SHUT UP LUPIN!

**Remus Fangirls**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: James should know..that you're no good for hiiiiim~...

**James** **Fangirls**: YES!

**James**: What?

**Lily**: HEY!

**Sirius**: 'CAUSE YOU'RE HOT THEN YOU'RE COLD, YOU'RE YES THEN YOU'RE NO –

**Lily**: Are you saying I can't make up my mind? Because I've made up my mind!

**Sirius**: YOU'RE IN THEN THEN YOU'RE OUT –

**Lily**: I have! I love Jame– I LOVE JAM! I LOVE JAM AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

**Sirius**: YOU'RE UP THEN YOU'RE DOWN!

**Lily**: *snapping at onlookers* IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME LOVING JAM?

**Sirius**: YOU'RE WRONG WHEN IT'S RIGHT!

**James**: She's too good to be wrong.

**Sirius**: IT'S _**BLACK**_ AND IT'S WHITE –

**All **: …

**Sirius**: WE FIGHT, WE BREAK UP –

**James**: Break up from what?

**Sirius**: WE KISS, WE MAKE UP –

**Lily**: Excuse me?

**Sirius** **Fangirls**: EXCUSE US?

**James**: …

**Sirius**: …

**All** : …

**Sirius**: You're hot then you're cold –

**James**: *punches down*

**Sirius**: ...

**Lily**: *runs away*

**Remus**: Sirius, you're an idiot.

**James**: Yes, he is... *fuming*

**Peter**: Where did that jar of jam go? I was about to get some...

**Mary**: I should go –

**James**: Sirius! *regaining control* YOU SON OF A BLUDGER! YOU BLOODY IDIOT! YOU – YOU –

**Remus**: Attention-loving, kitten-transfiguring, book-burning, chocolate-stealing, psycho bastard moron?

**James**: Y-yes! I'M GONNA – where did he go?

**Sirius**: *escaped with Invisibility Cloak off to transfigure more of Remus' stuff*

* * *

*later, Lily is found desperately clutching the jar of jam she stole from the table*

**James**: *popping up* So, Lily, I was wondering - what's your favorite kind of jam?

**Lily**: You are - er...grape.

**James**: Oh? Why?

**Lily**: Because its dark, like your hair - ER -

**James**: I see.

**Lily**: NO! That's not why! I just like the flavour! I JUST LIKE THE FLAVOUR!

**James**: I like grape, too. And strawberry. *conversational*

**Lily**: I like you -

**James**: ...

**Lily**: *blushing* I like raspberry, too. But grape is the best. And I like hazelnuts. And blackberries. Because, you know, of your eyes and - er -  
*from distance*  
**Sirius**: DID SOMEBODY SAY _BLACK_?

**Remus**: *loud facepalm*

**Peter**: ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT JAM? AND OTHER FOODS?

*Marauders come in and see Lily clutching the jar of jam as if her life depended on it*

**Peter**: I like hazelnuts, too. And blackberries,

**Sirius**: BLACKberries.

**Lily**: THE _HAZEL_NUTS AND _BLACK_BERRIES ARE MINE!

**Marauders** : ...

**Lily**: I like glass. My jam container is made of glass. Glasses are nice. Plastic is all right, but GLASSES, come on! Drinking glasses, you name it. Forget metal goblets and ceramic teacups, glasses are the way to go.

**Marauders** : ...

**Lily**: Is there anything wrong with my love for glasses, _hazel_nuts, _black_berries, and, most of all James - jam. I meant jam.

**Sirius**+**Peter**+**Remus**: ...

**James**: ...

**Lily**: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME LOVING JAM?

**Sirius**+**Peter**+**Remus**: NO!

**James**: ...

**Lily**: ...

**All** : ...

**Lily**: Once, I had to chase a chocolate frog. I was almost like a..a _Chaser_.

**Marauders** : ...

**Lily**: You guys are really quiet today. I don't care about Black, Lupin, or Pettigrew, but -  
*eyes widen and she stands, quite frozen*

**Sirius**: Lily? On your jar of jam, did you put a heart around it and add -es?

**Lily**: ...NO!

**Sirius**: ...HEY EVERYONE! Lily has this jar of JAM! With an -ES at the end! And a HEART around it! And its HAZELnut BLACKberry flavoured! And it's in a GLASS jar!

**All** : ...

**Lily**: I love jam...

**Sirius**: And Jaaaames~

**Lily**: *snatches back jam jar, grabs James and runs*

**Remus**: I think there's a pattern going on here.

**Sirius**: I think their relationship is getting a little more SIRI–

**Remus**: I'VE GOT A PAPER BAG FOR THE NEXT DOG THAT SAYS THAT PUN!

**Sirius**: Damn those paper bags...

**Remus**: What's your problem with them anyway?

**Sirius**: When we were practicing becoming Animagi, James bought me some dog treats but he left them in the paper bag from the store. So, I put my head in, but I could not for the _life_ of me get that bloody thing off my head! Life is so difficult without thumbs..

**Peter**: *snort* You ran into a tree!

**Sirius**: *coolly* So did you.

**Remus**: You threw cheese at it!

**Sirius**: I thought he'd climb the tree.

**Remus**: You thought he'd climb the Whomping Willow to get a small square of cheese?

**Sirius**: Should I not have told the first years to build a tree house in it?

**Remus**: *facepalm* Did you really even think the willow wouldn't destroy the tree house first?

**Sirius**: Don't you remember? I pressed the knot while none of them were looking, and they were so impressed with my magic skills of being able to stop the most dangerous tree on the grounds that they just did whatever I said.

**Peter**: No, don't YOU remember? They were so scared you'd turn all their robes into tutus again that they were willing to do whatever you said.

**Sirius**: Oh, right. Well still, you could tell they were really excited to be admitted for only three galleons per admission into Sirius Black's Magical Rainbow Tree House of Fun.

**Peter**: I never did get that cheese...

**Sirius**: And it took me a bloody hour for Prongs to realize that I actually could not figure out how to get that paper bag off!

**Remus**: Serves you right.

**Lily**: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP? YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

**James**: Yeah..shut..up..

**Remus**: No, you shut up!

**Sirius**: No you – huh?

**Remus**: DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME TO SHUT UP SIRIUS!

**Sirius**: What?

**Remus**: I said SHUT UP!

**Lily**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Remus**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Lily**: SHUT UP!

**Peter**: SHUT UP!

**Remus**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Peter**: NO YOU SHUT UP!

**Lily**: WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!

**Sirius**: Prongs, I'm awfully confused.

**James**: I'm sorry. Want to go see if Moony's hiding any more kittens in his trunk?

**Sirius**: ...Yes. Yes I do.

**Remus**: All right, three galleons.

**Sirius**: Since when do we have to pay admission to get into your trunk?

**Remus**: Since you two burned and transfigured all my TEXTBOOKS!

**James**: *whispers to Lily rather loudly* He's so in denial.

**Lily**: I'M NOT IN – oh, hehe, you're not referring to me.

**Sirius**: Lily, you shouldn't shout in the hallway. It isn't polite.

**Remus**: You're one to talk, Sir "Sings-into-the-middle-of-the-night" Sirius.

**Sirius**: _Serenading_, Moony, _serenading_. I saved you from Prongs, didn't I? The whole house loved my rendition of Bad Romance so much, that even Minnie commented on it!

**Remus**: Oh, uh, you mean _"Boys, shut up!"?_

**Sirius**: Moony, it's never good music unless someone's telling you to turn it down.

**Remus**: Where in hell do you come up with that logic?

**Sirius**: Moonykins, my logic is so logical that your logic can't even interpret it.

**Remus**: Anyone who says 'Moonykins', one of my _fangirl_ names, has little logic.

**Sirius**: I can argue against that. Lily says Jamesie sometimes, but she's pretty smart.

**Remus**: Not at spelling she isn't.

* * *

A/N: Review? That way, you're brightening TWO people's days, since I cowrote this with tinytokirabbit7.


	9. Game Night!

A/N: Er...don't ask why Snape was in the Gryffindor common room. Bad planning.

**Chapter 9: Game Night!**

The boys are in their dorm, playing a certain game...a certain _Muggle_ game...

**James**: We have to think about this...

...

**Sirius+James**: HAHAHAHAHAH!

**James**: But seriously –

**Sirius**: The Sirius is not being payed to think.

**James**: *mumble* I can't believe you... *hands over nine sickles*

**Sirius**: I was hoping for more...

**James**: *shoots glare*

**Sirius**: Right then! Let's see...

**James**: We know it was Moony.

**Sirius**: In the Potions dungeon..

**James**: With the candlestick!

**Sirius**: Yeah!

*slap each other 5*

**Sirius**: We OWNED you, Moony.

**Remus**: That isn't fair. There are two of you!

**James**: You've got Wormtail.

**Remus**: He ate his game piece!

**Sirius**: Does sissy sore looser little Moonykins want a rematch?

**Remus**: YES!

**Lily**: Why are you guys playing Clue? You know it's just a Muggle game you're forced to play during family fun time.

**Sirius**: We ARE having fun! You know you just want to be a part of OUR family!

**James**: Our family?

**Sirius**: Shut up.

**Lily**: Well, no. I had a bad experience with Clue once, my sister tricked me into almost swallowing one of the pieces.

**Sirius**: Nice. Peter just did that.

**James**: Do you need a hug to make you feel better?

**Lily**: No.

**James**: Sure?

**Lily**: Positive.

**Sirius**: I WANNA HUG YOU. *hugs Lily*

**Lily**: ...

**James**: *enfuriated* ...

**Remus**: ...Wow.

**Lily**: You know what...enjoy your Clue. I'm gonna go play Scrabble. *leaves*

**Sirius**: SPOILSPORT!

**Remus**: I'm going with Lily. *follows*

**Sirius**: Fine, join the spoilsport!

**Peter**: Maybe if I eat some Scrabble tiles, I'll get smarterer! *follows*

**James**: I'm..yeah. *leaves*

**Sirius**: … *leaves also*

_*In the common room...*_

*a few minutes into watching*

**Sirius**: Prongs, what does indigenous mean?

**James**: I've never seen Scrabble with so many big words before...

**Remus**: You've never seen Muggle Scrabble before at all.

**Peter**: *eats piece* Ooh, I think I'm smarter!

**Lily**: That's revolting.

*a few minutes later*

**Sirius**: Why have I yet to see 'Siriusisawesome' on the game board?

**James**: *flicks wand behind Remus' and Lily's backs* There.

**Lily**: Potter!

**James**: Right, sorry. *flicks wand again so it says IloveLilyEvans*

**Lily**: And I came down to play Scrabble to avoid you idiots...

**Remus**: You know James feels obligated to be next to you if he's within a 50 foot radius...and that is definitely not how you spell 'desensitized!'

**Lily**: Yes it is!

**Remus**: No, it's not.

**Lily**: Yes, it is.

**Remus**: No, it's not!

**Lily**: It is!

**Remus**: NO it is NOT!

**Lily**: YES it IS!

**James**: I think it's spelled right, Moony.

**Sirius**: Right. Take her side.

**Remus**: That's my line. *stiffly*

**Sirius**: Well, I already said it.

**Peter**: I ate so many pieces, I AM smarter! *looks down* Yeah, that's not how you spell 'desensitized,' Remus is right, Lily.

**Remus**: You're pointing to the scoreboard.

**Lily**: Maybe I shouldn't've even started playing Scrabble...

**Sirius**: There's always Clue.

**Lily**: Like I'm going up into your dorm.

**Remus**: Lily, that's not how you spell –

**Lily**: Shut up, Remus.

**Sirius**: Actually, Lily's right this time.

**Remus**: Dammit...

**Lily**: You believe him?

**Remus**: They're both actually smarter than me, it's pretty sad.

**Sirius**: Yep yep, we're better! HIGH FIVE, PRONGS, WE'RE SMARTER THAN REMUS!

**James**: *high five*

**Lily**: ...

**Remus**: ...They just act like idiots.

**Lily**: Whatever. I am going to play Solitaire, where no one can intrude.

**Remus**: Guess you WOULD be able to win at that seeing as there's no spelling involved.

**Lily**: Was that a challenge, Lupin?

**Remus**: Right here. Right now. Spelling showdown. First one to misspell any word loses.

**Lily**: Deal! *hand shake*

**James**: We're rubbing off on him.

**Sirius**: It's kind of scary, but entertaining. And a little proud, too.

**Peter**: FIRST WORD: DOUGHNUT.

**Remus**: Wait, American or British spelling?

**Lily**: D-O-N-U-T.

**Sirius**: Oh, Remus, you just got pwned.

**Remus**: Are we in America now? I thought we were English!

**James**: Of course we are, otherwise we wouldn't have so many fangirls pining after our accents.

**Sirius**: Anyway, Remus, you failed to answer the question, so Lillers is winning.

**Lily**: Lillers?

**Sirius**: Spell Lillers.

**Lily**: I can't spell that, it's not a word!

**Remus**: L-I-L-L-E-R-S.

**Lily**: What?

**James**: Sirius declared it a new word last year and wrote it down in a few places.

**Sirius**: It's a tie!

**James**: Spell... Onomatopoeia.

**Lily+Remus**: O-N-O-M-A-T-O-P-O-E-I-A.

**Sirius**: You can spell... that but not doughnut or Lillers?

**James**: Sad.

**Remus**: Next word!

**Sirius**: Fine! Your next word is.. Cranky.

**Lily**: C-R-A-N-K-Y.

**Remus**: I AM NOT!

**James**: Advantage, Lily.

**Lily**: No, I will not go out with you! Next word!

**James**: Please?

**Lily**: NO!

**Remus**: P-L-E-A-S-E!

**Sirius**: Score three for Moony.

**Lily**: That isn't fair!

**Sirius**: Sirius says it's fair, so it's fair.

**Peter**: Yeah!

**Sirius**: Shut up, Peter, I got this!

**Lily**: Keep them coming!

**James**: Um... Calculators.

**Sirius**: What's that?

**James**: I dunno, I'm looking through Remus' Muggle Studies book.

**Lily**: Ugh, these aren't hard. C-A-

**Remus**: C-A-L-C-U-L-A-T-O-R-S!

**Sirius**: Oho, Lillers might want to hurry it up!

**James**: Now...

**Sirius**: The hottest girl in the year's name –

**James**: L-I-L-Y.

**Sirius**: ...according to Remus.

**Lily**: M-A-R-Y.

**Remus**: WHY DOES THAT KEEP COMING UP?

**Sirius**: Looks like their tied!

**Peter**: No, they're not...

**James**: _Incarcerous!_ Now, they're both literally and figuratively tied.

**Peter**: Oh, I get it!

**Remus**: What the hell, James!

**Lily**: Yeah, this REALLY makes me reconsider accepting your date offer!

…

**Remus**: So you were going to say yes?

**Sirius**: She wants you.

**James**: Yes, and that is why I shall be her prince in shining armour!

**Remus**: Knight.

**James**: Er... princes can wear armour too! _Diffindo!_ There, my love! I have valiantly and gallantly released you from your horrid prison like the Gryffindor that I am...that you love!

**Remus**: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TIED US UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!

**Sirius**: Merlin, Remus must you question everything?

**Remus**: Release me.

**Sirius**: NEVER.

**Remus**: Prongs!

**James**: No.

**Remus**: Lily?

**Sirius**: She ran away because she was blushing profusely because we all just found out that she luuurves Prongsie...though we really sort of knew already.

**James**: :D.

**Remus**: UGH!

**Peter**: I'LL DO IT, REMUS! _DIFFINDO_! AAAHHHH–! *gets blasted backwards*

**Remus+Sirius+James**: ...

**Remus**: How did he ever succeed in transforming into an Animagus?

**James**: *shrug*

**Sirius**: IT'S A MYSTERY! ALL RIGHT GANG, LET'S SPLIT UP!

**James**: I'll go this way.. with Lily.

**Sirius**: I'll go this other way with MARY! *nudges Remus*

**Remus**: I can't go anywhere because I'm bloody TIED UP!

**Sirius**: Then, you and Scooby stay here. NOW, ONWARD! *trips* What is this? A clue? It seems to be an adorable fluffy pink kitten!

**James**: Wait, there's writing on its forehead!

**Sirius**+**James**: (reading) The answer to every question on the N.E.W.T.s is.. 563?

**Sirius**: Look, Prongs! I've found this large school trunk next to the kitten!

**James**: But...that could only mean one thing!

**Remus**: ...

**Sirius**: yes! the real culprit is.. *pulls off mask* Rem–

...

**Sirius**+**James**+**Remus**: ARTHUR WEASLEY?

**Arthur Weasley?**: Hello, Remus, Sirius, James. Yes, I'm in Hogwarts despite having graduated years ago and not knowing who any of you are! I've found this lovely rubber mask lying around the castle! Isn't it fascinating? Muggles use these as cheap disguises! And –

**Sirius**: *shoves out door*

**Remus**: You shouldn't have done that, he already has a few kids. What the hell was he doing here anyway?

**Sirius**: Being a culprit in the mysterious...Peter-becoming-an-Animagus Mystery.

**Lily**: You guys are stupid.

**Sirius**: Shut up, Daphne. Wait, when did you come back?

**Remus**: You've never seen Scooby Doo a day in your life!

**James**: Still got the Muggle Studies book, Remus.

**Remus**: BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONE YOU DIDN'T TURN INTO A BLOODY KITTEN, RIGHT?

**Sirius**: For the last time! That was a kitten! Not a book!

**Remus**: AAAAHH! LET ME GO! I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

**Snape**: I hate them too.

**James**: What the hell is he doing here?

**Lily**: I invited him.

**Sirius**: ...because you wanted someone to hide behind in case you accidentally reveal your completely obvious love for Prongs and he was the only one who would do it, right?

**Lily**: Shut. Up. Black.

**Sirius**: No, you shut up. I'll never listen to you, Daphne. You're always getting kidnapped.

**Remus**: Again?

**Sirius**: SHUT UP, SHAGGY!

**James**: I'd like to be miscellaneous person one, because everyone in Scooby Doo is too un-awesome for my standards.

**Sirius**: Deal. And I don't want to be Fred, he's too...blonde.

**James**: It can be Snivelly, because, you know, he sucks and all.

**Snape**: Clever.

**James**+**Sirius**: *simultaneously hex him*

**Lily**: *looks on* I should probably...nah, I don't care.

**Sirius**: And why is that?

**Lily**: Because I love J– UGH!

**Sirius**: Heheh.

**Remus**: What was that again, Daph– er, Liiiily?

**Sirius**: When did Moony decide to be a tease?

**Remus**: when I decided that if I play along then you guys might release me and TURN THAT BLOODY KITTEN BACK INTO WHATEVER TEXTBOOK IT WAS!

**James**: Doth mine ears hear denial, maiden Remus?

**Lil****y**: Only the fluttering of my heart... ER–

**Sirius**: Doth mine ears hear a declaration of love for mine best mate?

**Lily:** Nooo! Go away, Black!

**James**: Er...Padfoot, why don't you go.. do your homework or steal more of Moony's stuff or something?

**Sirius**: But I've already taken sixty-seven percent of his chocolate AND done my homework!

**James**: Then go update your girl book or something! *releases Remus too* You too, Moony, go!

**Sirius**: (from hallway) HEY LOOK IVE FOUND SNIVELLUS' DIARY! WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TURN IT INTO AN ADORABLE PUPPY?

**Snape**: BLAAAACK! *runs out*

**Peter**: Oh look, he dropped some food.. I bet he has more in his coat and will drop it while Sirius inevitably hexes him! *scampers away*

**James**: Well, I cleared the room for you anyway.

**Lily:** Er, yeah. Thanks.

**James**: No problem. *smile*

...

**James**: Well, I better get going -

**Lily**: Hey wait –

**James**: Yes?

**Lily**: .. Uh, well,..

**James**: Yeeeeees?

**Lily**: Stop smiling cutely like that! AND I DONT LOVE YOU! *runs away, blushing profusely*

**Sirius**: *from hallway* LOOK AT THIS! "December 1st. I realized today that I am absolutely in love with Remus Lupin and I don't care who knows it."  
**Snape**: THAT IS NOT IN THERE!

**Sirius**: *waves wand* Is now.

**Remus**: Why don't you just turn it into a bloody puppy or something else that will satisfy your cruel desires of creating animals out of nowhere.

**James**: *coming out of common room* What ever happened to that kitten anyway? Did it die when Remus put it back in his trunk, where it had been from the start?

**Sirius**: McGonagall took it in. "February 17th. I still have not been able to rid my mind of Remus Lupin. I mean, despite that one day he hid the kitten in his trunk, I will never be able to relinquish my love for him. His eyes, his hair, so soft..."

**Snape**: BLAAACKK! GIVE IT TO ME!

**Sirius**: *hexes* Remus, you should do something about him, this infatuation might get out of hand.

**Remus**: *fuming*

**James**: Why is everyone always in denial around here?

**Sirius**: Oh, my. "May 4th. Cinco de Mayo is tomorrow, I'm so excited!" No, that's boring...oho..._oho_!

**James**: You're around Slughorn too much.

**Sirius**: "May 7th. My love for Remus Lupin is gone. He fancies Mary MacDonald anyway, so my chances with him are like my chances with Lily. Instead, my eyes are only for that stud, that GOD – the one and only _Sirius Black_!"

**James**: Snivelly, that's just disgusting. That's more disgusting than having a kitten in your trunk. *dodges Remus' punch*

**Snape**: BLAAAACCKK!

**Sirius**: Snape, calm down! I hate you, but I don't want you sinking to the level of fangirl!

**James**: You love your fangirls.

**Sirius**: Hm..how would Snape look with an I love Sirius Black sign and patented Sirius Black clothing? Let's find out!

**Snape**: DON'T– YOU– DARE!

**Sirius**: too late. *waves wand*

**Remus**: that's not Sirius Black Merchandise!

**Sirius**: No, it's not. I thought my talents were being wasted on mere ME merchandise, so I tried my talents elsewhere! How do you like it?

**Remus**: THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT– THAT–

**Snape**: ABOMINATION!

**Remus**: YES!

**Sirius**: Hm. Seems you haven't yet grown to love my designing talents..so I MUST WIN!

**Remus**: YOU BLOODY BLASTED MUTT! YOU ARE SLEEPING OUTSIDE TONIGHT!

**James**: ...Oh my.

**Sirius**: Brilliant, isn't it?

**James**: Why are Snivellus and Moony wearing matching "RemusxSirius 4-ever" T-shirts?

**Sirius**: No, no, look on the back!

**James**: "A forbidden love...of chocolate?"

...

**Remus**+**James**: You're a sick dog.

**Sirius**: Perhaps. I've also decided to print and publish copies of _Loser - The Annoying Diary Tales of Snivellus Snape, Published and Edited by Sir Sirius Black._

**James**: I'll buy tons of them, I'm rich.

**Sirius**: Thank you for the patronage, my good stag!

**Snape**: DON'T YOU DARE!

**Sirius**: _Someone_'s been saying that an awful lot lately. Sorry, Snape, but _I'm_ the publisher. Now, I'll just need you to sign this copyright contract...

**Snape**: NO!

**Sirius**: Good thinking, you'll just grease it up anyway. No one's probably ever seen your signature for that very reason, so I don't think we much have to worry about anyone noticing if I forge it...

**James**: These could be birthday presents for anyone...you think Lily would go out with me if I bought one for her?

**Lily**: *only there because James pretty much pulls her in like a magnet by now* I'll go out with you for any reason...I MEAN –

**Sirius**: Too late.

**Lily**: *runs away*

**Sirius**: So, we have books, T shirts, what else could we do to make money?

**James**: Mugs? Oh, I know – Jam! Because then when Lily slips it out that she loves me by saying she loves jam, she can love OUR jam!

**Sirius**: This is wonderful! Snape, thank you for allowing me to steal and sell your altered diary!

**Snape**: *seething*

**Remus**: *still trying to pull off the RemusxSirius 4-ever T-shirt, but it's stuck there with magic*

**Snape**: *simply staring at James and Sirius with his usual broody loathing*

**Sirius**: Prongs, I don't think they like my T-shirt.

**James**: Why would you even think to make a shirt like that?

**Sirius**: For money.

**Remus**: But – w-what about all that money you inherited from your uncle?

**Sirius**: It really wasn't all that much.

**Remus**: More than a werewolf could ever imagine...

**All**: …

**Sirius**: Erm...well, we can share the profits.

**Remus**: I suppose – what was that...

**James**: Oh, you mean the rumbling of RemusxSirius fangirls?

**Remus**: WHAT?

**Sirius**: Heheh, told you we'd make a lot.

**Fangirls**: REMMYxSIRI LUV! SQUEEEE –

**Remus**: NOO! STOP LEADING THEM ON YOU MUTT!

**Sirius**: Six galleons each, girls.

**Fangirls**: *throw galleons out of their pockets before proceeding to glomp Sirius and Remus, and also Snape only because he's still wearing a RemusxSirius 4-ever T-shirt*

**Lily**: Hey Jamesie?

**James**: Yeah?

**Lily**: Will you grab some of those galleons and buy me some jam with it?

**James**: ...Of course~

**James+Lily**: *leave through the crowd of terrifying fangirls*

* * *

**A/N:** Please tell me what you thought~


End file.
